Whitt's End: 4.5.12

Whether you've reached the end of your rope or merely the end of your week, welcome to Whitt's End:

* Now batting for Angels, No. 32 … Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

* Etched on the Mavs' 2013 tombstone: Here lies a team that couldn't grab a defensive rebound, and continually lost one-possession games by giving the ball to anyone not named Dirk Nowitzki. In Thursday night's loss at Denver, the Mavs were up one but failed to grab a Nuggets' missed free throw in the final 10 seconds. Then, trailing by one, their final shot was taken by … Anthony Morrow. What. The. What?! Inexplicable. From the Title to the Lottery in 21 months. Congrats, Mark Cuban.

* When Elvis Andrus signs a big contract extension, there's a press conference. When Tony Romo signs a big contract extension there's also a … nothing. Weird.

* Limbo CEO Nolan Ryan will be at Rangers Ballpark this weekend. Still think he's staying with the organization long-term but the quieter he is the more doubts it raises. He wasn't at Elvis' press conference because he was attending Opening Day for AAA Round Rock. We cool with that?

* Uh-oh, Dez Bryant is spending the weekend visiting Las Vegas for the first time in his life. His first tweet: "Vegas is nice." But calm down, he has security with him and he's hanging out with the likes of Michael Jordan and Nike reps. Should be fine. I think.

* Love that college basketball is mandating integrity and accountability. Pac 12 head of officials Ed Rush offers referees $5,000 for a technical foul called on Arizona coach Sean Miller and he's out. Like he should be. And Rutgers coach Mike Rice physically assaults his players with hands and forearms and basketballs and he's out. Just like he should be.

* Louisville wins the Final Four Monday. With a huge motivational assist from Kevin Ware. Worst sports injury I've ever seen.

* In this week's edition of "Romo critics are irrational and illogical," I bring you the thoughts of Super Bowl MVP/CBS analyst Phil Simms, who also knows a lot more football than you: "I think it was a good signing by the Cowboys, If they wouldn't have signed him and he became a free agent, everybody says, 'Oh, just let him go.' My God, there would've been teams doing cartwheels trying to get him. I think everybody in the league realizes the talent. I read some things that people said about Tony Romo. The Dallas Cowboys were probably a 4-12, 6-10 team last year and he was at least fighting to get them into the playoffs to the last game of the year. Now, we've all of a sudden created a new stat for Tony Romo, elimination games. We don't say it about any other quarterback, but elimination games for Tony Romo because it sounds a lot better. 'We can get more losses on that column.' But the guy is an unbelievable talent. And he had very little help at times in Dallas last year. If they get the team around him and the talent level hasn't decreased, I think he really became a man and took over the Dallas Cowboys last year. And all that playoff stuff and everything, it doesn't bother me at all. Let's put it this way, if I was a head coach or owner or general manager, I would feel really good if Tony Romo was my quarterback and if he was out there I'd take him in a second and put my future on the line with him." So take that.

*In this space one year ago today: R.I.P., Joe Avezzano … The Saints' bounties blossom … Arkansas' Bobby Petrino is fired after messing around with a former volleyball player on the back of his motorcycle …

* Hot

* Not

* At Albertson's you can buy a can of caviar for $8.99. I am not making that up.

* Cameras in NFL locker rooms isn't that novel of an idea. Now, if we put them in the locker room of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders we'll actually have something to perk up about.

* As a native Texan I've enjoyed tons of barbecue. None better than 3 Stacks Smoke and Tap House in Frisco. If you don't like their Firecrackerz (jalapeno pepper stuffed with brisket and wrapped in bacon) then I don't think we can be friends any longer.

* Unemployment today dipped to 7.6 percent. Blame Obama. Again. I guess. Now, you actually can justify ripping him for his basketball. 2 of 22? Including missing some layups without hitting the rim is embarrassing. But next time you wanna criticize his leisure activities remember that the White House record for vacation days is 1,020 held by … you guessed it, Dubya.

* At The Masters next week we'll see something unprecedented. No, not a welcomed woman. A 14-year-old. Chinese 8th-grader Guan Tianlang qualified by winning the Asia amateur. He weighs 125 pounds. I'm interested.

* Didn't know it was so easy to rob a bank these days. A robber who wears panty hose on his head – the Mesh Mask Bandit - has successfully hit 14 banks since Jan. 1, most recently Tuesday at the Citibank on Collins in Arlington. Where's the security guards and numerous cameras and exploding money and … Am I in the wrong profession?

* Not that you asked, but yes I do know how to fix soccer. If I was soccer commissioner … There'd be no offsides. Never understood the intent of the rule. A player has to have a defender between him and the goal, or at least even with him, to accept a pass. No! Imagine if it was illegal for Tony Romo to launch a bomb to Dez Bryant if the receiver had a step on the cornerback? … No consecutive backward passes. One? Okay. But four? Soccer wastes way too much time "re-organizing" in the form of three back passes, then a kick to the goalie who punts the ball right back where the whole mess started. … Goals are now 3 points, shots on goal are worth 1 point. We need more aggressive offenses that get rewarded for at least putting the ball on net … And no more diving. With the use of replay – yes, soccer, replay! – a player who fakes an injury is sent off. …Better game, no?

* There are 300 million of us in the U.S. There are only 4 million members (barely more than 1%) in the NRA. Why is it so powerful again?

* Rangers' 7-0 victory over the Astros with Yu Darvish almost no-noing Houston was the most disappointing win in franchise history. And, no, sorry, you can't jinx a no-hitter by mentioning it on Twitter any more than you can start a rally by wearing your cap all funky. Sorry to burst your gullible bubble. Your gullibubble.

* I'm going green with my lawn care this summer. Literally. I've hired the services of Clean Air Lawn Care because they use solar-powered, electric mowers with 75% less noise and pollution. Very cool.

* With the Mavs out of it, Cuban is deflecting attention by threatening to be a trail blazer. Not the Portland kind, but the kind who thinks way outside the box. First he hints at drafting Brittney Griner. Better not. Griner isn't even the best women's college player – that's Elena Delle Donne. Secondly, the Mavs are about to miss the playoffs for the first time in 13 years. They need help. And 2nd-round draft picks are not throwaways, right Manu Ginobli? Now Cuban says he'd also be open to having a gay player on Dallas' roster. Says Cuban, "It will be a great moment for sports … I would be honored if he was on my team. I think things have changed, significantly, in that the players would accept him. All professional sports have had their homophobic missteps along the way, it's a new era, a new generation and the player would be accepted. I think we are starting, at least on the edges, to break down those barriers. This shouldn't be a big deal." Bravo.

* Two inventions I'm going to patent, someday: A hair gel that stops – or at least dramatically slows – your hair from growing. When you get that perfect haircut, voila, you get to keep it that way as long as you want. When you want to change it up, simply stop using the gel. I think I'll call it … Tortoise Hair. Because it, like, really slows down growth. Get it? Secondly I like dogs, until they bark or whine. My invention is simply a small remote control that silences dogs. Push the button on – Dog Pause – and your pets thinks they're barking out loud at that cat or getting your attention by whining at the back door, but to human ears they appear as peaceful as Charlie Chaplin in a silent movie. And, yes, thanks for asking, my mind is indeed a weird place.

* Movie critic Roger Ebert was a fantastic writer. But his taste in moves was iffy. For example, he called Django Unchained "a vomit-bag of racism and perversion-mongering." Maybe. But it was also damn good.

* If you, like me, remember the good ol' days of Z-Rock and the hard-rockin' venue known as The Basement, you should be at Trees Saturday night for a cool reunion. Former deejays like Loud Debbie Dowd, Tracy Barnes and Scorchin' Scotty will be on hand to introduce bands such as Lord Tracy, Lowside, Spiders, Chastity, Bangkok Shock, Deep South Reunion and Blackout. Doors at 7. Tickets at Trees. Enjoy!

* This weekend? Friday it's Opening Day at Olenjack's on Collins in Arlington, just down the street from Rangers Ballpark. Saturday it's morning tennis then some Final Four. Sunday let's get re-acquainted with the hot tub shall we? Don't be a stranger.

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