Responding To CBS Miami's Low-Brow Dallas Hate
DALLAS (CBSDFW.COM) – The Miami Heat drew first blood Tuesday against the Dallas Mavericks. And so did the Miami CBS affiliate. If you'll head over to their website, you'll find an article titled "It's Great To Not Like Dallas," and an accompanying 15 or so – mostly baseless – insults targeted at our great team and surrounding area.
Now, living in Texas, we know not to take cheap shots and we understand that patience is a virtue. So instead of firing back a list of cliché insults, we're taking the higher ground like our Mavericks and evening this thing out the right way.
1. Let's start with the obvious: Last night, in his annual league address, commissioner David Stern still had to field questions about your Heat using illegal collusion to nab their big three. It's been almost a full year since LeBron's hour-long egofest Decision thing. These types of cheating accusations should be settled by now.
2. As such, even if you do win, it'll be remembered as Wade-James-Bosh's ring, not Miami's. Even Michael Jordan is against you.
3. But it's not like your fans are going to care anyway. Even a Miami Herald columnist knows this. He told the New York Times your Heat squad is "the most interesting sports team of my lifetime." But "when LeBron does the powder toss before each home game, he does it before a bunch of empty seats." Even your hometown writers can't wrangle compliments for your fans. Another choice Times quote: "Texting is rarely interrupted for cheering." Maybe you guys should come to a Mavericks home game and see what pride really means.
4. But how can you build pride when you dump your entire roster to make room for three players? You're practically begging to replace a dedicated fanbase with fair-weather Miami socialites. But hey, if it gets Birdman and Diddy in the seats, who cares about the regular fans?
5. So few fans attend your games that you open up four sections before the game starts for any ticket-holder to watch them go through warm ups up close. In Dallas, we don't have that problem because, again, our fans genuinely care about the game and the team.
6. Further proof of citywide apathy: 800 tickets were unsold three hours before tipoff of Game 1. It took a matter of minutes for tickets to Game 3 in Dallas to sell out.
7. Yeah, you might've won against us in the 2006 Finals, but you had a little help from the referees. Remember the Jason Terry ghost foul? From an email sent to ESPN columnist Bill Simmons at the time, "I want to say something about Dwayne Wade, but I fear I may get called for a foul." Let's see how this series plays out before you brag, folks.
8. Your team celebrates every win like it's their third Finals victory in a row. LeBron cries a lot. There's a dramatic hug between him and Wade while Bosh looks on awkwardly, as the third wheel often does. When the Mavericks win, they walk off the court. They even forgot to grab the Western Conference Trophy after topping the Thunder. That says something: They're not done yet.
9. Both Jason Kidd and Juwon Howard came out of the 1994 NBA Draft. We think it's obvious who has aged better. If you're going to have one player on your team "who is older than Methusaleh in NBA years," as CBS Miami so eloquently put it, it would be in the team's best interest to have that player be effective. Let us spell it out for you: Mavericks' Jason Kidd = future hall-of-famer. Heat's Juwon Howard = cheap roster filler.
10. DJ Khaled lives in Miami. This is enough to make pretty much everyone in Dallas/Fort Worth want to stay out of it.
11. MTV shot Jersey Shore in Miami. Some of us watch it while you guys lived and welcomed it. For shame.
12. Yes, you bring up our Super Bowl fiasco. Apologies. Usually Februaries in North Texas come with cold weather and ice. These things happen. It's easy to forget that when you're practically Cuba. The seats? Yeah, you got us there.
13. CBS Miami asks, "What exactly is Texas and Dallas known for?" And then answers with "horses and other animals." This only goes to show that Miami is as apathetic about research as Heat fans are about their NBA team.
14. Say what you will about Mark Cuban, but the man turned this team into a franchise that's made the playoffs every year for the last 11. He put the money, dedication and passion into rebuilding this team, and what better way for that to finally pay off than topping the Heat?
15. Yes, our stadium is named American Airlines Center. No, we didn't steal the name from your American Airlines Arena; we actually had very little to do with it. American Airlines was ultimately who decided to slap their name upon both stadiums. But if you must make this into a competition, CBS Miami, American Airlines reportedly paid Dallas $195 million over 30 years for the American Airlines Center in Dallas compared to $42 million over 20 years for the American Airlines Arena in Miami. We think the difference illustrates which market has the most visibility and vitality quite well.
