Stockton veteran recalls fateful day in Iraq, speaks on importance of mental health
STOCKTON — September is Suicide Prevention Month, and it is a time to reflect and honor those struggling.
Nearly two decades later, there is a hurt that still haunts one Stockton veteran who is a Purple Heart recipient. He says mental health needs to be prioritized for everyone, and not just now but daily.
Niko McPherson recalls that fateful day in Iraq 18 years ago like it was yesterday. His army platoon was assigned to route clearance along a road in Ramadi.
"We would have to dismantle the explosives," he said. "Sometimes there would be a lot of them and we had to deviate them to take them to a safe location to disarm them."
A photograph shows McPherson with his unit before they headed out. Hours later, his life would change forever.
"Everything went dark. Waking up, it was up to me to find my way out of an RG-31 armored vehicle that was upside down and split in half," he said. "I had to find a way to get out through a small hole with all my gear on to go and save the rest of the lives."
He was able to save them all except one: his battle buddy Harley Andrews, who was the man behind the wheel.
"It was hard to wake up every day thinking that it should have been me. It should have been me," McPherson said. "And what am I doing here?"
McPherson suffered a traumatic brain injury and injuries to his arms and legs that left him disabled physically.
Emotionally, he struggles with PTSD and something called survivor's guilt, which he admits has led to multiple suicide attempts. Licensed counselor Dr. Natasha Trujillo says it's the mind's way of trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.
"People want to be able to say. 'If I had done this one thing different or maybe if that had played out a little bit differently,' " Dr. Trujillo said. "It almost gives the sense of blame and guilt that feels a little bit better than that feeling of I just simply can't control any of this and there is nothing I could have done."
She doesn't work with McPherson but has worked with countless cases like his using something called cognitive processing therapy that, along with group counseling, has worked for McPherson. His coping skills are necessary.
"Two weeks ago, we lost another battle buddy of mine who also was in the same unit as I," McPherson said. "[He] had taken his life and we are all trying to heal from that, and we all just got together to prevent this from going any further."
McPherson puts one foot in front of the other, exercising and connecting with the community through wellness walks.
"It's tough, really tough, but I know with perseverance, the challenges and the dedication and the commitment, I want to give back to my other fellow veterans who are also dealing with survivor remorse," he said.
McPherson knows he can't bring his battle buddy back but he can heal through helping others.
"Because of the help I've gotten, and I want to be able to touch as many as I possibly can," he said.
If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or a suicidal crisis, you can reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You can also chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline here.
