Lamest Things About Playing Golf With Little Joe
This is going to seem like a rip-job, and it kind of is.
Just to be clear, there's no one I've known longer in radio than Little Joe Pittman. We were basically kids when we used his key to sneak into the KHTK production rooms at midnight when everyone was gone to make horrific (but sometimes better than what I do now) radio demo tapes. To say we came up together in the biz is an understatement.
Because we are pals, we will often let off steam together on the golf course. Obviously Joe is one of those I enjoy golfing with, or I wouldn't do it. That doesn't mean its all smooth sailing.
I would be willing to bet that everyone has things their golf partners do that annoy the blankety-blank out of them. I'm sure there are things I do that annoy others (although I can't possibly imagine what).
So in reverse order, here are the things Joe does that make me want to strangle him when we're out there:
4. The Ball Chaser
Joe is a better golfer than me. No doubt. It pisses me off to watch a guy half my size jack a golf ball 300 yards on the reg. But he does. I don't have as much of an issue with that though, its the fact that he plays Titleist Pro V-1s. The Pro-V is probably the best ball out there you can hit, and also the most expensive. I pay 19.99 for a 24-pack of Nike Mojos, whereas a dozen Pro-Vs cost 40-50 bucks. No thanks.
The problem with Joe playing an expensive ball like this, is that he (understandably) doesn't like to lose them.
The other problem is although Joe can hit the ball 300 yards, he doesn't always hit the ball straight. In fact, its a 50/50 proposition. So when young Joseph mishits the ball, it usually ends up somewhere north of Stockton. Not only does he not want to lose the 4 dollar ball, but he doesn't want to take the penalty.
What does this mean? If you play golf with Joe, count on spending half your round looking for his ball, or waiting as he tramples through the forest trying to find it. I hit my ball all kinds of weird places, but I have a ticking clock in my head, and I hit cheap enough balls to not worry about losing a sleeve or two per round. I get if you're in a tournament not wanting to take a penalty, but when you live in the 90's and 100's (like we do), look for a minute or two, then drop and move on.
Those people on the tee back there behind us aren't enjoying it either, Joe. Move on.
3. The Confrontationist
We all know golf etiquette isn't always followed. Some people are snootier than others, and I believe etiquette is tied almost directly to the green fee charged by the course. If you're at a 20 dollar a round muni course, you're going to get jeans-wearing Bud Light drinker from time to time. If you're playing a more expensive course, you're more likely to get a snobbier, yet rules-following golfer. You have to be aware of your surroundings.
On a recent work trip to Phoenix, Joe and I were enjoying a round on one of the many fine Arizona courses. There was a twosome behind us, and on two separate occasions, they hit into us. Definitely rude, and also a little dangerous.
Joe was hot, to say the least. Now, I'm not one to go out of my way to avoid a confrontation, but I also don't actively look for one. Joe was completely out of his game for a couple of holes, steaming, and I was trying to convince him to give that group the benefit of the doubt. Joe couldn't.
So finally Joe left the tee and confronted the guy on the tee. I was making a phone call at the time (a breach of golf etiquette for sure), and keeping an eye on this from 50 yards away seeing if I'd need to grab a 7-iron and play peacemaker. Unnecessary. Joe returned to the cart, informing me that the man apologized profusely, explaining that on one hole he couldn't see us, and on the other he had never hit a ball that far in his life. The man was also playing with his wife, so I'm sure that was extra comfortable.
Joe is also a "starer". Now if you know Joe, you understand he stares at people because he's almost legally blind. He doesn't mean anything by it. But others don't know it. And I saw "Boyz in the Hood". You don't stare at people. We've never suffered an issue because of this, but its only a matter of time. Don't stare.
2. The Vin Scully
This could easily be number one on my list. Joe is a talker. We all are, but I honestly think silence scares the hell out of him. We could be on the golf course, or on the road at 5 am going into work, and he's like my 7-year old asking random questions just to fill space. That's fine. We all have our picadillos.
The issue, however, compounds itself on the golf course. Now we all will share a crazy shot or something wrong in our game (from time to time) with our golf buddies, but we don't do it after every shot.
Joe has a running play by play during the round. Almost CONSTANT.
"Man, I didn't turn it over there!"
"Dammit, if I didn't chunk that 2nd shot, I'm lookin birdie!"
"Dude, if not for that double on 2 and 3 and 5 and 8, I'm 2 over on the front"
"Can't believe I missed that putt!"
Joe, bad beats in poker and rough Sundays in Fantasy Football are on the phone, and THEY don't care.
Nobody cares.....
1. The Mouth Washer
For many, this may not be the most annoying thing, but it drives me NUTS.
When Joe grabs his ball on the green, he marks it, picks it up, and puts it in his mouth.
Then he spits it into his hand, dries it on his pants, and spits again.
I don't even need to start with the grossness on a golf course. Goose poo, Turkey poo, dirt, tobacco spit, and god knows what else. Not coincidentally, twice a year, Joe develops a cough that makes us want to send him straight to the hospital. This isn't a normal coughing fit. These coughs make Doc Holliday sound like he has a simple headache.
Are they related? Maybe not. But put your golf ball in your mouth to clean it?
Ew.
The moral of the story? I love Joe. I love playing golf with him. I'm going to play with him tomorrow, and next week, and the week after. I'm sure I do things on the course that bug him. But this is my article, and there you go.
Are there other, perhaps even MORE annoying things your golf buddies do? Comment or tweet me @carmichaeldave
