'Nothing Was Ever Built On Hostility': Healing The Divide After The Results Are In
PITTSBURGH (KDKA) -- To say this presidential election has been divisive is quite an understatement. It's even divided friends and family members, with some people saying some pretty hurtful things.
So, is it possible to mend those fences after the votes are counted?
The divisiveness of this election has cut like a knife between cultures, genders, work colleagues, friends and family, some wounds are very deep.
"We don't talk about it, because it's a very bad conversation," says Dana Shultzaberger, of Shaler Township.
Other divides are heal-able.
"It's always been good-natured and we're going to have to live with it no matter which way it goes," says Lawrence Banks, of East Liberty.
But when the votes of today are an echo tomorrow, how do we bury the discord in our lives?
"I don't think it's so easy as we wake up the next morning and everything is better, because somebody is going to lose," says Pittsburgh Post-Gazette relationship columnist Natalie Bencivenga.
"Right after the election, let's get it all off your chest. I think families will be able to handle that," family counselor Monte Robinson said.
But getting it off your chest cannot mean, just letting it fly.
"Ideally, you want to get somewhere in the middle," says Robinson. "So what you do is you set rules for communication, rules for engagement."
"You have to always stay above the belt," Bencivenga said.
Sidney Sowell is an ardent Donald Trump supporter, and can't stand Hillary Clinton.
"Her family disagrees with me completely. They are all voting for Hillary," says Sowell. "The arrogant side of me hopes that she wins, so in three years I can tell you, 'I told you so. She's the worst nightmare could ask for.'"
But that's probably not the best approach if you want to keep a relationship. The opposite is also true.
"I think if you are on the winning side of things, the last thing you want to do is rub it in somebody's face," says Bencivenga.
"It's in the how you talk to each other that the problem lies," Robinson adds.
"The people that are in your immediate circle are the ones that impact you the most on a physical and psychological level, and the ones you need to focus on healing immediately," Bencivenga says.
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And if the dispute is with your spouse," Robinson says, "If the election is a major issue in your marriage, you probably have some underlying issues anyway."
He says in that case, you may need to seek outside help.
But there is another level of this issue that may be just as in your face as your family.
"What I have seen is that it's really tearing people apart on social media," Bencivenga said.
Social media brings out things people probably would not say face-to-face, but can cut just as deeply. The Facebook "unfriending" and "unfollowing" options are solutions if it persists, but should be a last resort.
"I think the worst thing we can do is shut down from one another and shut off," Bencivenga says.
Experts say you can't change how people feel or what they will post.
"Things will crop up, and when things crop up, how you handle that will be important," says Robinson.
So, the word to remember is "perspective."
"In the grand scheme of things, how does this really impact your life and is it worth this hostility," Bencivenga says, "and I don't think it is. Nothing was ever built on hostility."
