Dunlap: A Pittsburgh Sports Guide To Lent
The season of self-renunciation is upon us. Oh yes, Lent.
It all got kicked off today with Ash Wednesday as the 40-day run-up to Easter is now on --- and Christians typically give something up to recall and renew the commitment of their baptism. It might be really hard, it might not be that hard, but to do without something you enjoy has to --- in varying degrees --- test your willpower. This all got me thinking about something: If I needed to come up with a list of what some notable Pittsburgh figures should give up --- for Lent and, perhaps beyond --- here's how it would read:
Kevin Colbert: Drafting anyone who plays a position not called "cornerback."
Jason Worilds: This concept that you actually have a future here in Pittsburgh with the Steelers. Yes, give that up.
Dri Archer: Same as Worilds.
Bob Pompeani: Hair products. Do it. Just for one day. Just one day, Pomp, do it --- I'm dying to see what that million-dollar mane looks like without any stuff in it.
The Networks During a Broadcast in Pittsburgh: This belief that all we have in Pittsburgh is the incline, Primanti's and a couple of steel mills. Seemingly every shot in and out of commercial --- whether it is a Pens, Pirates, Steelers or Pitt game --- is of one of those three places. I mean, come on, try harder.
Mike Tomlin: Obviously nothing. Obviously.
Jarvis Jones: Give up ANYTHING but the weight room, please.
The Sax Guy: Playing the sax. And coming Downtown for sporting events. Guy is a nuisance.
The Penguins: Sucking on the power play.
The Yells-Shoot-The-Puck-Guy at the Penguins games: Nothing. He doesn't have to give up anything. For one time in his life, he's actually had a point recently.
Clint Hurdle: Gum.
Pittsburghers Traveling By Air: Wearing all your Steelers, Pirates and/or Pens clothes on the airplane. Honestly, try it – you might like it. I mean, after all, the gate says "Pittsburgh" where you are taking off or landing; people have a decent understanding you could be from here. Is there really a need to board the plane in Vegas with that Josef Melichar away Penguins sweater on? We get it, you're from Pittsburgh. I'm proud of the place too, but we don't have to wear it like a billboard every single day.
Beau Bennett: Please give up the ups and downs. It is incredibly frustrating. There are spans of time when you look like the best player on the ice and others when you can't even get a game. Please, please, please just give up these multiple personalities.
Everyone: Bracketology. It is mind-numbing.
Local News: Well, lots of things, to be honest. But here's one big thing you need to give up – putting reporters outside at 5 a.m. in the freezing cold when there is positively nothing going on at the spot in which that reporter is reporting from (at 5 a.m. in the freezing cold). Case in point, when the Steelers play a Monday night game, it is routine for the 5 a.m. newscast on Tuesday to have a reporter standing outside Heinz Field. And let me tell you, that shot of an empty parking lot and darkened stadium behind them really adds to the story.
Bill Peduto: Nothing. Don't give up a thing. Here's why: Last time you gave something up --- on that Undercover Boss show --- you caught all kinds of heat from some people for doing a good deed. That said, don't give anything up. It will just get you in trouble somehow.
Mike Johnston: Give up anything but the dreamy way you fix your hair. It is impeccable.
Pittsburgh Dad: Everything. All of it. The whole deal.
The People Who 'Woo' At Games: Same as Pittsburgh Dad. Give it all up.
Jung-ho Kang: Making verbal runs at Jordy Mercer before you even take a Major League at-bat.
Cleveland: Thinking that your football team will ever matter.
People Who Start The Wave: Starting the wave.
Bob Nutting: A little bit more money. To be fair, you have made strides and are trending in the right direction, but giving up a little more money would certainly make life easier.
Pedro Alvarez: Give up thinking about things so much and just play baseball.
Sports talk callers: Please give up telling the hosts how long you have been a season ticket holder. And the first Penguins game you went to. And the first Pirates game you went to. And how you used to go to Steelers games at Pitt Stadium. And how you've been a fan for [SOME BIG NUMBER] of years. This isn't a contest, people. Also, please give up on asking the host how they are doing. A tip: Even if the host isn't doing well, they are going to tell you that they are fine.
Cortez Allen: Give up the thought that you are a top-end corner in the NFL. You might have been paid handsomely, but you gotta earn your spot back.
Drivers Where Route 28, 279 and The Veterans Bridge Come Together: Indecision. Please give up indecision. Never have I seen more people yank it across three lanes of traffic in .000003 seconds than where that holy triumvirate of ramps come together to form what shouldn't be such a confusing place on the North Side.
LeGarrette Blount: Give up giving up.
Josh Miller: My morning co-host should give up looking like Todd Haley. Or is it James Neal? Or is it both? I swear he looks just like both of those guys.
Chelsa Wagner: Give up being so darn mean to Rich Fitzgerald.
Charlie Morton: Give up getting hurt. Lord knows the Pirates need you in the rotation for as much of the season as possible.
Francisco Liriano: This pattern where you are good one season, bad the next, good one season, bad the next … and so on. But, thinking about it, don't give that up until next time Lent comes around.
Duquesne: Fielding a basketball team. OK, that might be too harsh. Perhaps the university should give up on this notion that athletic director Greg Amodio is actually going to be the man to get the program turned around.
James Harrison: If you want to suggest that James Harrison gives something up, be my guest. I'm not man enough to make suggestions to that man.
Josh Harris: Give up on the idea that the Steelers are actually going to use you as a weapon in the offense. Just as they did last season for the playoff game, if it gets down to a point where you're near the top of the depth chart, they will go outside the organization and get someone.
Paul Zeise: Should give up looking like former Pitt and Steelers quarterback Pete Gonzalez. But, Lord knows, please don't give up the haphazardly way in which you travels --- they make for possibly the best segments in Morning Show history.
Pittsburgh Chicks: Big Bangs.
Colin Dunlap is a featured columnist at CBSPittsburgh.com. He can also be heard weekdays from 5:40 a.m. to 10 a.m. on Sports Radio 93-7 "The Fan." You can e-mail him at colin.dunlap@cbsradio.com. Check out his bio here.
