Nina In New York: The Future Was Two Days Ago; The Past Is Now

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Well, it happened. The future, that is. It was a couple of days ago, to be specific. October 21, 2015 was the date that Marty McFly and Doc Brown visited in Back to the Future II, which means that we are currently living in some sort of parallel, post-apocalyptic world. The differences are subtle, but I imagine that we'll soon discover in nuanced ways that we're actually bouncing around aimlessly in a sea of nothingness that stretches before us into the end of time. But Michael J. Fox is still cute! Some things are absolute.

Sadly, we fell short of our deadline on some really exciting technological progress. Driverless cars are almost here. We're thisclose to colonizing the moon and/or Mars. Self-tying sneakers exist, but don't hit the market until next spring! Dang! We did get to hoverboards in time, and boy are they annoying. Unfortunately, all the truly cool stuff will have to be rolled out over the course of this infinite limbo in which we now find ourselves floating about.

While there are some things which would have been nice to get on the official Earth record, we did manage to execute on a few important ideas. The Internet, computers, organ transplants, Amazon Prime, spiralized zucchini noodles: the book won't be closed without something to recommend us to post-future generations. One of those somethings is not the Crazy Coupe, an adult-sized version of that Little Tykes plastic red car you used to "drive" up and down your driveway.

The Crazy Coupe looks just like the original Cozy Coupe you remember, except that it's street-legal, can get up to 70 mph, and does not require you to run your little feet on the asphalt in order to make it move. Nor must you fight with your brother over who is actually supposed to be steering and whose turn it is to sit quietly and shut up. Those are the pros. Cons include the fact that it has no windows or windshield, and your mom is so never going to let you have it. Welcome to your childhood: now with 1000x more super head injury action! It was up for auction on eBay for the low, low price of $33,240.08, although it appears not to have sold. While they received some low bids, the car's creators have decided to take it off the market, thereby subjecting me yet again to the trauma of being told I can't have one of those toy cars. What's next? Power Wheels makes a giant Barbie Jeep and then pulls it from the showrooms as soon as I scrape together my allowance money? Thanks a lot, jerks. I told you I'd be super safe and responsible and only use it in the cul-de-sac! Nobody listens to me.

The post-non-fake future is ruined. I'll be sulking in my room until the universe blows up. Or until dinner, depending on what we're having.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!