Keidel: Going Soprano on Sparano
By Jason Keidel
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Perhaps it shouldn't surprise us that a team without a title since 1973 is slightly dysfunctional. Don Shula, the Dean of NFL coaches, must cringe at his formerly proud franchise.
The Miami Dolphins sent emissaries (is Flipper available?) to nearly every available coach in the industry, leaving current coach Tony Sparano in a very public lurch. Then, when the team couldn't lasso a hot coach, it came back to its cold coach, hat in hand, begging Sparano to return. We think.
Everything about Miami is odd. Bill Parcells, who ostensibly came to Miami to do what he does – make fine glass out of the Florida sand – left with a whimper. Mission certainly not accomplished. If this is Parcells's final gig he gagged what is otherwise a sublime record in the NFL. And it would mark the only place where he didn't morph a moribund team into a Super Bowl contender.
And somehow this all fell on Tony Sparano, a swell guy who seems to have lost about 80 lbs. and possibly his job in 2010. Sparano was about to join the cadre of coaches who lost their first jobs before they really got a shot to right the ship.
The double entendres are inevitable (getting "whacked," for instance) for a man whose name is absurdly similar to a fictional mafia family. No matter your mob murder pun, the Dolphins are doing Sparano wrong, essentially conducting interviews for his job, in his office, without telling him about it.
Miami courted Bill Cowher and Cowher acted every bit the diva we know he has become, demanding everything short of LeBron James for his services. Cowher, former boss of my beloved Steelers, seems to forget that in 15 years he won just one Super Bowl and choked a plethora of big games before finally winning in Detroit.
It seems the longer the alleged legends are away from the game, the more legendary and valuable they become to potential employers. It doesn't work that way. Indeed, the longer the coach is away, the softer his grip is on the pulse of the profession. Just ask Joe Gibbs.
And then there's the mirage of the college coach taking his professorial tactics to the NFL and making it work. Too many of them wind up breaking their classroom rulers over the heads of apathetic millionaires who tweet their latest bowel movements during meetings.
Lou Holtz, Steve Spurrier, and Dennis Erickson melt into the montage of college giants who found the pro game so different that it felt like a different sport Pete Carroll will join them soon enough.
Jim Harbaugh, who's being stalked like he's Bill Walsh, is the latest darling of Saturdays expected to make magic on Sundays. Reports are that Miami offered Harbaugh $8 million to coach in the NFL when he's never coached in the NFL. In fact, Harbaugh hasn't won anything anywhere, with a pedestrian (29-21) record at Stanford. His brother John is far more accomplished and far less expensive.
Jimmy Johnson (Dallas) aside, every college coach has limped back to college campuses after being gnarled by the NFL machine. Miami need only look to its locker room for precedent, as Johnson and Nick Saban bombed as boss of the Dolphins.
The trendy college coach or QB seems to appear out of some strange mist, mesmerizing the nation simply because we need the next new thing. Cam Newton is now supposed to set the sport ablaze with his size, speed, strength, and accuracy. (Wasn't Daunte Culpepper that guy? How about JaMarcus Russell?) And Harbaugh has become the coaching equivalent.
Miami must emit a toxic vibe these days, as Harbaugh just refused their offer, leaving the Dolphins looking as foolish as their 1-7 home record this year. (Make it 1-8 after this fiasco.)
No doubt the Dolphins' struggles please Jets fans, who view the Dolphins as eternal antagonists. Some of the oddest and greatest games in NFL history were played between the two teams in four buildings, dating back to Shea Stadium and the Orange Bowl. A.J. Duhe and Dan Marino and Ted Ginn have made Sundays most unpleasant for Gang Green over the decades.
The Miami Dolphins were once a model franchise, led by an iconic coach whose long jaw presided over 300 wins, a perfect season, and a perfect quarterback (Marino). Don Shula was fired under the guise of change when it wasn't wise to change, and they've been paying a karmic tax ever since.
Whatever happens to Shula's old club, Tony Sparano didn't deserve this. It doesn't take Paulie Walnuts to know that.
Feel free to email me: Jakster1@mac.com
