Nina In New York: A Practical Guide To Social Interactions While Pregnant

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
______________

By Nina Pajak

So, you're pregnant. And you're one of those people who chooses to go out of doors from time to time, whether to interact with other humans or procure life-sustaining necessities or just to see the sun every so often. This being the case, you should know that you've tacitly agreed to receive the comments and questions of strangers and distant acquaintances regarding your gestational state. Sorry, but much like a paparazzi-dogged celebrity, you and your obstetric/gynecological health now belong to the public.

As we've discussed in the past, people just say the darndest things. And if you're anything like me, you have trouble reacting appropriately in the moment. Sometimes you're caught off guard, sometimes you're momentarily lobotomized by a knee-jerk desire to be polite. Always, you come up with a far better response long after the interaction has concluded. It's frustrating! And really, you're already in physical discomfort, so why should you be the only one in social discomfort, too? In that spirit, I've compiled some ready-made answers for myself for when the stock questions and comments are inevitably posed. I share them here. Use them in good health.

Question: When are you due? In three months? Are you sure it wasn't yesterday?! Ha ha ha.

Answer you normally give: Ha ha. Yes, I'm quite certain.

Better answer: Ha ha. Yes, I am distressingly enormous, aren't I? Thanks for noticing. What I like most about it is the knee and back and hip and pelvic pain, and the foot swelling, and also the moments in front of the mirror spent wondering whether my body will ever again remold into something resembling a shapely human female form. Kids, amirite?

Comment: That's going to be one big baby!

Answer you normally give: Not too big, I hope!

Better answer: Ha ha! Now we're both envisioning a ten pound watermelon emerging from my genitals.

Question: So you're due in November . . . ooh, does that mean this was a Valentine's Day baby? [Wink wink]

Answer you normally give: Haaaa, maybe . . . !

Better answer: Actually no, but my last menstrual cycle was around that time! Thanks for trying to do some quick math to figure out when my husband and I may have been having sex. Gestational timing can be tricky.

Question: Are you sure it's not twins?

Answer you normally give: Oh gee, I really hope not!

Better answer: Oh my god, is it possible that I wouldn't know? I mean, have you heard of that happening? I have an OB/Gyn and I go for routine checkups and screenings according to the most recent, widely accepted medical recommendations made by qualified panels of physicians and experts, and it is 2016, but . . . I guess it's conceivable that I actually have no idea how many humans are growing inside of me! Oh, Christ. Holy crap. I'm sorry, I have to go call my doctor. Thank you so, so much for bringing this to my attention. [Trailing off as you walk away] Holy crap, I'm freaking out. We're going to have to buy two of everything. . .

Question: You look like you're ready to pop! How are you going to make it until [due date]? Ha ha!

Answer you normally give: I'll survive!

Better answer: I suppose it's possible I won't! I'm glad we can joke about premature birth like this. Takes the edge off.

Question: So, do you have everything ready at home?

Answer you normally give: Ugh, working on it!

Better answer: **** off.

Comment: It's a boy? Good for you!

Answer you normally give: Thanks.

Better answer: Thanks! We love our daughter, but one dowry is about all we can handle. Besides, it'll be nice to have a child whose education will actually be worth the time and money.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!