In case you missed it, Virginia Congressman Virgil Goode has been raising objections to the religion of one of the House's newest members.
Incoming Congressman Keith Ellison of Minnesota happens to be Muslim, which according to Goode, will encourage more Muslims to pursue the American Dream.
"I fear that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States if we do not adopt the strict immigration policies that I believe are necessary to preserve the values and beliefs traditional to the United States of America," Goode wrote recently to his constituents.
But I feel changing immigration policy is just a start. I'm recommending the following steps to make Muslims feel less at home here in the good ol' USA:
Abandon the Arabic Numeral System: This will really hit them in their comfort zone. We change over the entire country to roman numerals. Chances are they won't even be able to find their flight number to get over here but, if they do, just let them try to figure out the meter on the taxi that will take them to their apartment. "Oh, wait, Mohammed, do you live at MXXVI or MXXIV?" Guaranteed they'll run back to the Middle East before they even attempt long division.
Pork-Flavored Lickable Stamps And Envelopes: This will be a tough sell with the philatelists. But they'll have a choice — switch to pork or soon start licking the back of a turbaned head. We need to keep people like Ellison out. It doesn't matter that he is actually an American who converted to the religion. That's just the type of tangled logic these Muslims are capable of using to tear the very fabric of American society.No More Afghans: Looking for a wool blanket knitted in intricate geometric shapes? Try an "insulating personal freedom cover." It's the same thing but better, because you won't have to credit a Muslim nation — even if they are our allies in the war on terror now.East-Free Compasses: Luckily, Muslims in America tend to congregate where there's the most smog, making it difficult to use the sun as a guide. Without an "East" marker on the compass, they'll never know in what direction to pray to Mecca. Change The Statue Of Liberty Plaque: "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses — the kind that only pray once a day, if at all."Buy A Lot Of Oil: If we can buy enough exports from Muslim nations perhaps we can create enough wealth in the region that they'd have no reason to leave in the first place. But to do that we'd have to consume, like, a quarter of the world's energy resources. Also, there's a paradox: the more we would buy, the more they would love us unconditionally. Maybe we could buy all the oil and then find some other way to make them hate us, like having our politicians insult their religion.
Good work, Mr. Goode.
Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write. If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.