When Parenting Styles Clash

Most parents agree that raising happy, healthy children is an important job - maybe even the most important thing they'll ever do. But Mom and Dad seldom agree on how to best accomplish that.

Disagreements, even over seemingly small issues, can quickly become emotional. When something you care about deeply is at stake, anger can surface without much warning, said Heather Kahn, contributing editor for "Parenting Magazine" on The Early Show.

"Parents don't want to make mistakes," Kahn noted, emphasizing that when it comes to compromise, the important thing to respect your partner's views and not allow small issues to escalate.

Actually, it is "a good lesson for kids to see parents compromise," Kahn added.

Parents are most likely to butt heads over the activities their kids do every day - play, eat, and sleep. Here are Kahn's suggestions for how to compromise on these common issues.

Safety Debates
While Dad may think it's fun for Junior to dig around in his toolbox, Mom is probably terrified that Junior will poke his eye out with a screwdriver. One parent is always more cautious than the other - usually Mom.

Having one parent encourage risk-taking while another points out the dangers actually creates a good balance for children. Otherwise, children might grow up frightened of everything or, on the flip side, with a false sense of security.

But parents still have to determine the balance that works for them. Kahn has two suggestions for doing so:

• Set Basic Limits: Head off trouble by setting some ground rules such as how much supervision a child needs at a certain age or which medical symptoms should always involve a call to the doctor.
• Get an Outside Opinion: Turn to a reliable third source, such as a pediatrician, for an opinion. This way, neither parent has to be the bad guy.

"Kids are eating all day, and you could really drive yourself nuts if you argue over this constantly," Kahn said. Thus, compromise is key.

The good news here is that as long as children are at a healthy weight, parents don't need to be too anxious about diet. There's no need to adopt a strict "no sugar, no candy, no sweets ever" policy.

For parents who still find themselves quibbling over food issues, Kahn suggests the following.

• Identify Forbidden Foods: If there are two or three items you feel very strongly that your child should not eat, tell your partner and agree not to serve them. Then, compromise on other foods.
• Let Chef Choose: If you still find yourself getting into tiffs over your child's diet, agree that whoever is cooking gets to decide what is served.

  "If your husband wants to make French toast and French fries one night, just let him do it," Kahn said. "It's not going to kill your kids."

Even parenting experts and pediatricians can't agree on the "right" solution here, so there's no way that Mom and Dad are going to. Here's how to handle these disagreements:

• Discuss During Daylight: You will be in no shape to compromise if awoken at 3 a.m. by a screaming baby. Decide how to handle bedtime issues before bedtime.
• Recognize No Approach is Wrong: As stated above, there is no "right" strategy for getting a child to go to bed or to stay there. Admit that this is true and then be willing to try different approaches. Most importantly, give these approaches time to work (or fail) before trying something new.

• Pick Your Battles: If you feel strongly about an issue, say so. But if you don't really care that your son refuses to put his books away on a designated shelf, keep your mouth shut.
• Take a Breather: Don't discuss an issue when you're mad - it's much harder to be rational.
• Step Outside: Don't discuss the problem in front of your kids. In fact, you may want to leave the house completely; talk over a walk or a glass of wine.
• Stay Focused: Stick to the specific issue that upset you so you won't be tempted to launch into a laundry list of things that annoy you.
• Stress "I": You've probably heard this before but it's still good advice. Saying "I feel ..." instead of "You never ..." places the focus on your wishes, not your spouse's shortcomings.
• Be Positive: If a clean house makes you happy, don't mutter "I hate tripping over these toys." Instead, try saying something that will inspire your spouse (and children) to help clean up. "I'd love to see these toys cleaned up."

"When it comes to developmental issues, parents do need to agree. If one is putting pressure on a child to achieve something and the other isn't, the child can become confused. Other areas in which it's best to be on the same page: values (for instance, do you place more importance on compromise than winning), discipline (such as spanking versus a time-out), and expectations for academic success (insisting on straight A's, say, or accepting any reasonable effort). That's because these areas affect your child's sense of identity and self-esteem."