Secrets: Not Always Deal Breakers
Bad news bombshells can come in all shapes and sizes. And reactions to them can vary from the "Wow! Who knew?" to the "I'm out of here."
Kate White, the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan magazine, visits The Early Show to talk about how to weather the bombshells in your relationship.
What is a bombshell? "It is news that makes your jaw drop," White says. "It might make you upset, afraid or any number of emotions."
The current issue of Cosmo outlines four different bombshells, all in varying degrees of seriousness.
The "I Can Deal" Bombshell
"It's a baby bombshell," White explains. "It's the kind of thing that maybe you're dating a new guy and you find out something about him that's really surprising, like he's seeing a psychotherapist or he used to be on anti-depressants. Or maybe he's thinking of leaving his job. It's not horrendous and there's no direct impact on the relationship. But the reason your jaw drops is because you weren't expecting this kind of news."
How the "I Can Deal" bombshell affects your relationship
White says, "This news doesn't make you think 'I don't' like this guy.' But, it makes you think, 'I don't know him.' Because this was something you didn't anticiate. You didn't know he felt down and wanted to see a psychotherapist. You didn't know that he hated his job and wanted to leave the one he had."
She continues, "This is a wakeup call that you don't know him very well and you need to have more dialogue."
The "I Need More Info" Bombshell
White says, "The 'I need more info' bombshell isn't a deal breaker either. The relationship is fixable. But, this one scares you more. It could be something like he has bad credit or his spending is out of control. Or maybe he had lunch with a woman friend from work and she's married. Intuitively, there's something that says to you 'This isn't OK.'"
How to react to this kind of bombshell? "This is the kind of bombshell you really want to investigate," White says. "Make sure your relationship isn't in trouble. Find out how serious his spending problem is. You need to react to this bombshell with your head and not your heart."
The "Dazed And Confused" Bombshell
White says, "Maybe, he was arrested for driving while intoxicated. Or this is a new guy and you're discovering he's divorced and cheated on his first wife."
How to react to this bombshell?
White says, "This one falls into a grey area. It's possible that this isn't going to end your relationship. But you really have a lot of thinking to do. Take a mini-break and ask yourself what are the long-term implications of what happened. If he was arrested for DWI, does he have a drinking problem now or was that just a college thing and you've never seen him drink too much. If he had a fling two years ago and is now remorseful, it might be OK now. You have to judge how remorseful he is and whether it was a one-time thing"
The "Total Deal-Breaker" Bombshell
White explains, "This is the one where he's married. Or he tells you he doesn't want to have children. Or he's really involved with his family and you're never ever going to come first."
At the same time, with this kind of news, it is easy to know what to do. "You have to move on," White says.
Bombshells Of Your Own: How To Break Bad News
- Practice - Use Role Playing
White says, "It helps when you practice and hear yourself saying the words. You know what sounds right and what sounds wrong." - Pick Your Moment
"Pick a time when you're not rushed and it's a good time for him," White says. "If he's really cranky and tired in the evenings, pick another time. You want to make sure you have enough time to explain the situation and can pay attention to his feelings." - Give Warning
White says, "People can go into shock when you talk about a difficult topic. So, you need to be gentle about breaking news. You can start by saying, 'I need to talk to you about something that's difficult for me...'" - Be Clear About Intentions
"Be clear about your expectations," White says. "You may just want him to make some change and he may hear that you want to break off the relationship. You can say, 'I don't see this as affecting our relationship…' Just make sure that he hears what you are saying." - Be Honest
White says, "Sometimes we want to make things easier by not being completely honest, or by giving the information in small pieces. That's not a good idea. You really should be completely honest. It hurts more initially, but is better in the long run." - Back Off
White says, "After you've dropped the bombshell, give him a chance to think about it. Don't expect an instant response. It's better to let him really think about what you've said. Back off and let him think."