Proper Praising Of Kids
Many parents enthusiastically praise their children by telling them they're the best, brightest, etc., thinking it will build up their self-esteem. But experts say that type of praise can have unintended consequences, and create a child unwilling to exert effort and take risks — in school and in life.
On The Early Show Monday, Dr. Alexandra Barzvi, a clinical psychologist specializing in children and families at the New York University Child Study Center, discussed the right and wrong ways to praise kids.
In some ways, she says, less if often more.
Parents dole out compliments because it makes them and their offspring feel good, Barzvi said.
"Criticism, we know, can be very damaging to a child's self-esteem," she told co-anchor Hannah Storm. "And praise generally can help improve self-esteem, self-confidence, motivation, can help the child feel loved and accepted. But it's the specific type of praise that we use that really matters.
"As early as age 7, kids already can distinguish between praise that's genuine and praise that isn't. And kids know when they haven't earned the praise, especially if you're throwing out praises constantly that are unspecific and not directed."
The first thing parents need to do when praising kids, she said, is to do it selectively.
"Use praise to really help kids learn how to change their behaviors. You really want to praise particular behaviors and (share) your feelings about those behaviors.
"Let's say that you'd like tour child to clean their room more often. Try to catch your child while they might be putting something away and say, 'Wow, Billy, I love the way you just folded your sweater and put it away. That makes me feel great. You're a great part of this team!'
Also, Barzvi suggested, be very specific and descriptive.
"If you just said, 'Great job,' Billy may not know what it is that you liked. So, be as specific as possible: 'I love the way you arranged your toys; I love that you made your bed for me.' Things like that."
She agreed with Storm"s assessment that she was actually describing positive reinforcement, as opposed to criticizing kids or offering up consequences for not cleaning their room.
"Praise is a teaching tool, essentially," Barvi pointed out. "Think of praise as feedback for your child. When I say use it selectively, while you want to praise behaviors you want to see more of, you also want your kids to have experiences of failure, and learn to deal with those setbacks."
Barzvi advocates praising the effort, not the outcome. That happens a lot in sports: "We also see it a lot in academic performance. A parent might be praising the 'A.' If you attach performance to intelligence, or to the outcome, the child learns that the outcome is simply based on whether or not they're smart. And they don't feel they have a lot of control over that. If you let them know their performance is truly based on their effort, then a child feels that, if they put more effort in, if they work harder, they can actually succeed, and it's in their control. You really want to be praising things your child feels they have control over, like focusing, paying attention, sharing, working hard, things they feel they can actually improve upon, rather than innate characteristics they can't do much about."