Primrose Path To The White House
It's still very early in the 2008 campaign season and we've already seen our first casualty. Former Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack dropped out of the race for the presidency before the first scrotum joke was even uttered. Unfortunately for Tom, he ended his bid before I could put the final touches on my roadmap to the White House:
1) Create a plan and commit it to memory.
2) Summarize your plan into three to five easy steps. No one has the time or attention span to listen to more than five bullet points, let alone 79 different proposals.
3) Carry the plan with you at all times. Not the actual plan — that's in your head. Use a prop plan. This should be 50 pages max. If it's bigger, people will think it's too complicated. Also, you won't be able to roll it into a tight cylinder to point at people.
4) Don't write the plan on the prop plan papers! But don't leave the pages blank either. Instead use doodles of your ex-wife's undergarments. This will reinforce your instinct to keep the plan private.
5) Hit the road to talk about the plan. Rent a large bus and write at least two of the steps from your summary on the sides of the bus. Also try to come up with a catchy slogan like "A Strong America One Step at a Time" or "I'm Fighting for Your Future." Don't use the word "plan" in the slogan.
6) As soon as Newsweek or Time (or both) run a cover shot of you with the headline, "The Man with the Plan," pull the bus over and find a very large phone book. Find someone with the last name DeMann. Call that person and ask, "Are you DeMann?" If he or she answers yes, fax a copy of your (prop) plan.
7) Get a columnist from the Times or the Post or one of the Chronicles to confirm DeMann has the plan.
8) While you still have the phonebook open, find someone with the last name "Goat," first name "Scape." Use alternate spellings if necessary. Hire that person and keep them close to you at all times. Goats traditionally are fiercely loyal but also suicidal.
9) Leak DeMann's address and a copy of the (prop) plan with the rough sketches of lingerie to the tabloids. Suggest the following headline to the New York Daily News: "The Perv with the Plan." Send this headline to the Post: "Panty Waste."
10) Learn to play guitar.
11) Write music to go with the Pledge of Allegiance with a crescendo at the words, "under God."
12) Sing your song at your party's national convention.
13) Become a late replacement nominee for vice president on your party's ticket.
14) Win the election.
15) Get plenty of rest, take a daily multivitamin and use lots of sunscreen for the next seven years.
16) Dust off your guitar.
17) Buy a new suit for Inauguration Day.
18) Repeat steps 1 through 9.
Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.
If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.