Nikki Glaser takes on the Golden Globes

"When you're a white, pasty girl, you get a spray tan, everyone's nicer to you!" said Nikki Glaser during her standup act. "They think, like, you've been on vacation, they think things are going well in your life. And they're not; you've just stood naked in front of a teenager. … And in the middle of her spraying me, like, seeing my butt, she goes, 'I'm such a fan!'"

Glaser thought she had her January all planned out: "So, for January 2025, I was going to possibly have, like, a brow lift or some kind of, like, really invasive surgery that I've been, you know, looking into getting."

The kind of procedure where you have to disappear from the public for a while, and then re-emerge. But then, she got a phone call from TWO of her agents: "And when it's two, you know it's good news, because when it's bad news, they just make one person do it, 'cause no one wants to do that! And they're like, 'So, this operation, is there any way you could push it 'til maybe the second week of January?'"

That's because on January 5, Glaser is hosting the Golden Globes on CBS – just another big gig in a year that's been filled with them.

Her 2024 special, "Someday You'll Die," was nominated for an Emmy, a Grammy and a Golden Globe.  

"It's easy to be a bad mom; that's so easy. But to be a good mom is hard. To be a bad mom, that's as easy as being a great dad."

But it's the special's theme song that Glaser wrote that she's most proud of: "Honestly, it might be, like, one of the things I'm most proud of in my entire life."

"It couldn't be more different than joke writing, right, in terms of the vulnerability?" I asked.

"Yes, yes, because everything with joking is, like, I get vulnerable, then I cut it with, like, some kind of line that's like, 'I'm just kidding.' I was talking about my depression, but we're all not gonna get emotional here. There's just something so embarrassing about being emotional for me. So, I think I just have to reframe it as like, 'You can't do it, Nikki. It's too hard,' and I'll be like, 'Yes, I can.'"

Glaser made her name in celebrity roasts with a searing joke style, deadpanning at her own expense and the expense of others, jokes we mostly can't play for you on network TV – all of which came in handy earlier this year when she roasted NFL great Tom Brady live on Netflix.

"Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean, even Gronk was like, 'Me know that not real money.'"

Glaser says, though she's mostly done with roasts, she actually asked Netflix for the job: "I was like, 'Tell Tom Brady I'm the Tom Brady of roasting.' It's flattery, but it's also true. I meant it. I really feel like Tom Brady is a guy that worked hard enough to become how great he is."

The same could be said about Glaser … and the Golden Globes will be her biggest audience to date. "I'm gonna nail it," she said. "Maybe I won't nail it in some people's eyes, but I will have nailed it in my eyes because I have set up a system leading up to it that I couldn't possibly work harder on it."

More on that system later … because confidence is not something that's always come easy to Glaser.

She's talked about struggles with self-medicating, eating disorders, and alcoholism. "I drank every single night of my life and it was, like, the only thing I looked forward to in my life," she said. "For me, drinking was the worst of all of them. And it's been kind of whack-a-mole with all of those. But those have never caused me as much pain as drinking did. So, I'm glad that drinking is just not an option."

I said, "In recovery they talk about this thing called, like, the 'dis-ease' – just this kind of general state of not being at ease."

"Yes," Glaser said. "The obsession with work is, like, just not wanting to feel."

Will the pressure of hosting the Globes get to Glaser? She says she hopes it does. "I thrive on anxiety," she said. "I like feeling like, 'Oh, what's gonna happen?' I like that feeling. I kill it when I'm anxious."

Glaser's "system," which she first developed for the Brady roast, is working with a team of writers that includes Sean O'Conner, Jessica Dweck, and Glaser's longtime boyfriend and collaborator, Chris Convy.

Those jokes they come up are then tested over and over, both on the road and in small L.A. clubs, to see what real audiences think.

"I did have a bunch of Ozempic jokes that I was gonna tell, but I lost them. The natural way, I swear! I just cut out soda."

The Golden Globes audience will decide on January 5th if all this preparation by Glaser has paid off. But she says, in a certain way, she's already working on her next project, an off-stage one at that.

"I think my new challenge is, I wanna be known for being a nice celebrity," Glaser said. "I just wanna be someone that people go, 'Oh, she's really great to work with. She was really nice to us,' and not in an inauthentic way."

"You wanna spread kindness to people while you're eviscerating their entire existence in your periphery?" I asked.

"That's the paradox of it," she said. "I wanna spread honesty."

Don't miss the 82nd annual Golden Globes ceremony live on January 5 at 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT on CBS and Paramount+.

       
For more info:

• Nikki Glaser's comedy special "Someday You'll Die" is available to stream on Max
• nikkiglaser.com | Tour info

       
Story produced by Anthony Laudato. Editor: Lauren Barnello.