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Lakers Biggest Child Shows Them How to Grow Up

Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant hugs forward Ron Artest during the second half of Game 1 of the NBA basketball finals.

If you thought David Spade wasn't the prettiest thing on the planet, you should have seen game 1 of the NBA finals.

Two years ago, handled by men, the boys of Los Angeles took their black eyes and went home to mommy.

This time around, with Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James and even Spade himself mercilessly advertising a surely hilarious movie called "Grown-Ups" by sitting together courtside, the Lakers turned to one of the world's less grown-up men for a fatherly example.

Photos: Famous Lakers Fans

Ron Artest. Yes, that Ron Artest. The one who once asked for time off in order to become a rap star. The one who managed to be a shining light of the legendary Detroit Pistons brawl. The one whose dogs spent 77 days at the pound because of a lack of care.

I didn't even mentioned the hair.

Thursday night, Artest showed the timid little things from two years ago, like Pau Gasol, how to grow real hair on their faces.

It was as if he played the whole of Thursday's Game 1 with one hand on Paul Pierce's spine and the other on his throat.

Pierce could barely breathe, never mind slash to the basket. He didn't make a three-point shot all night. Which is strange because Artest, arch-destroyer, made three of them.

Los Angeles Lakers forward Ron Artest, left, and Boston Celtics' Paul Pierce grapple during the first half of Game 1.

Pierce's night was made more difficult by Jim Joyce. You must know the name by now. He is the baseball umpire who Wednesday choked over a simple call at first base, denying Detroit pitcher, Armando Galarraga his perfect game.

Well, here were the NBA's supposedly three best refs, Joey Crawford, Joe de Rosa and Derrick Stafford, apparently so afraid of missing a call that they made too many of them.

How else could one explain the repeated calls on the Celtics' Ray Allen, who played a mere 27 minutes and was once called for accidentally allowing his middle finger to touch Kobe Bryant's pinkie?

Without Allen, Pierce needed to be free. Instead, he was shackled into stasis on a regular basis.

Artest is said to be so enchanted by the mere proximity of Kobe Bryant that he bows to Kobe as he scrapes the skin off of his opponents.

Artest's influence on Gasol was palpable in Game 1. The Spaniard kept puffing out his chest at Celtics as if he had suddenly remembered that he was a USC grad encountering a Notre Dame alum In a bar.

He still reverted to World Cup mode occasionally, such as when being grazed by Kevin Garnett's elbow caused him to suddenly be the victim of Amazonian loggers.

Yet 23 points, 14 boards, 3 blocks amounted to a very large helping of credibility.

Though the Celtics have large bodies in Kevin Garnett, Glen Davis and Kendrick Perkins, they often seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong intentions.

How strange it was to hear these words from Doc Rivers, coach of the Celtics: "They were the more physical team by far. They were more aggressive. They attacked us the entire night. I didn't think we handled it very well."

The Celtics being out-muscled is a little like Muhammad Ali being out-mouthed.

In the case of this game, it was barely watchable. There were 18 personal fouls in the first quarter alone. There were 54 in the game.

Who could be surprised that ESPN's cameras panned around the arena in search of something a little more picturesque? This even included Jack Nicholson.

It also included Will Ferrell, who having made a perfectly Sasha Vujacic-like basketball movie called "Semi-Pro" was now showing his face to sell something new called "The Other Guys", in which he plays a cop who looks up to Dwayne Johnson. You might still know him as the Rock.

Ron Artest proved Thursday that it is possible to be Will Ferrell and the Rock at the same time.


Chris Matyszczyk is an award-winning creative director who advises major corporations on content creation and marketing, and an avid sports fan. He is also the author of the popular CNET blog Technically Incorrect.

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