How a support network is building a strong community for men married to service members

A dating profile caught Dana Pape's eye on a summer day in 2001. It belonged to Chris Pape, who was looking for someone to hang out, watch college football, drink beer and eat wings. 

Dana thought, "That sounds like me."

From their first date, the two talked every day. Chris claims Dana had initially said she was a "professional in the medical industry" before coming clean that she was in the U.S. Air Force, training pilots to handle the effects of flight on the body. Dana's rationale: "I didn't know what kind of creepers were going to be out there!" 

Over the years, the military played a significant role in their relationship, dictating where and when they'd move. Chris noticed he was often the only male spouse at military events. When he looked up "male military spouse" on Google, he said nothing came up.

Frustrated by the lack of resources for men, he decided to create a documentary about male military spouses. After he interviewed his first person, he felt a weight off his shoulders. 

"I just knew I wasn't alone," he said. "The weight was the slowly building depression, anxiety, isolation of being a male spouse."

Men make up 14% of the country's military spouses, but account for 48% of military spouse suicides, according to the U.S. Department of Defense. Chris Pape felt like he had to do something to support them, so he started Macho Spouse, an online resource and informational hub for male military spouses.

The issue extends beyond the mental health of men married to service members. A 2021 Survey Center on American Life study found that women talk with their friends more often than men generally, with 41% of women saying they had received emotional support from a friend within the past week, compared to 21% of men. The Center also identified a male "friendship recession": since 1990, the number of men reporting that they have no close friends jumped from 3% to 15%.

Since its inception, Macho Spouse – and the social media groups that stemmed from it – have helped men like Sergio Rodriguez, Jerad Knight and Josh Green stay connected.

"Most organizations say, 'Oh, we want to bring more male spouses out.' But there's very little thought in terms of how to do that," said Green.

Once, at an event with 400 spouses where a raffle was held, Green said he was one of only two males. When his raffle number was called, he won a breast pump. Green said there is a need for organizations to thoughtfully include male spouses, citing mental health implications and unique challenges.

Rodriguez said the lack of acceptance affects children on military bases. When women post about moving in and organizing playdates for their kids, he explained that they often receive a welcoming response. However, Rodriguez said he's experienced situations where he or other men have tried to arrange play dates for his 2-year-old and female parents arrive, see a male parent and then leave.

The men aim to change not just how people outside the military see them, but also how other military spouses speak on social media. Their message to struggling male spouses is clear: reach out and seek inclusion. 

Pape realized the power of the community he'd built the day he received his first thank-you email from a spouse who claimed Pape had helped save his marriage.

"I felt alone, but I wasn't," he said, getting choked up. "There's no better feeling than to help somebody."

If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or a suicidal crisis, you can reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You can also chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988lifeline.org/chat/