Happy (Adult) Campers

Now that spring is here, millions of parents are starting to think about summer camp for their children. Some adults are jealous. They wonder, "What do kids need a vacation from?" and "I could use a nice two-month summer break." Well, help is here. Today, there are more and more summer camps for adults. And you aren't even required to write home to your kids once a week.

Some adult camps are quite different from those we went to when we were kids. There are business camps, which don't sound like much of a vacation to me. There are camps that teach you how to rescue hostages, which is not on my list of fun activities. You can learn how to do stunts at camp, if falling off buildings and being set on fire is your idea of recreation. You can go to songwriting camp, and then come home and sing about your experience. And there are poker camps, so you can actually pay money to learn how to lose money.

Learning about these camps got me thinking about other adult camps that should exist:

Smoking Camp: This is one of the few places left in the United States where people can smoke without being condemned either by the law or by the folks around them. Smokers will learn how to ignore vigorous waving and dirty looks, as well as medical research and common sense.

Democratic Presidential Hopefuls Camp: This camp was recently canceled due to lack of interest.

Life Camp: It's one of the most challenging camps today because of the mental contortions that campers must learn. They have to be able to convincingly say that every life is valuable, and that since people make mistakes, "it's always best to err on the side of life." At the same time, they have to express no hesitation about the error-prone death penalty, and refrain from speaking out about children having guns, or rushing into war.

Major League Baseball Camp: This fantasy camp guarantees campers that they can be exactly like professional baseball players by the end of the summer. Real Major League heroes teach the campers to do exactly what legendary ballplayers do: repeat the following — "I'm tired. I'm just tired" and "I'm not here to talk about the past."

Liberals Camp: Here, liberals claim not to be liberals and learn how to sit back and do nothing while civil liberties evaporate.

Conservatives Camp: Campers learn how to explain to others that an ever-growing, fiscally irresponsible Federal government that keeps meddling in our personal lives is consistent with the conservative philosophy.

Parents Of Kids In Their 20's Camp: This camp helps parents work on their skills to get their adult children to move out of the house. This camp is a real gamble, because while the parents are attending, their kids could be taking over their homes and changing the locks.

Camp For People Who Hated Camp: There's no mystery meat or group showers here. It's the perfect place for those who hated bugs, dirt, or being teased by the big kids. Campers stay in a pristine luxury hotel where their every whim is catered to. And those big kids who used to tease you? They've had very unsuccessful adult lives and make up the obsequious staff of the hotel that pampers you.

Columnists Camp: Columnists sit around a campfire, discussing what's wrong with the world and how it could be better. However, none of them wants it to be too good. After all, if the world were perfect, what would we write about?