Facing The Boomerang Effect

Whatever the reason, alarming numbers of adult children are moving home, staying a long time, and usually not contributing to the family household.

According to a recent article in MORE magazine, written by Adams, a social psychologist, grown children are taking 5 to 10 years longer than the boomer generation did to achieve independent adulthood. The reason, she says, is that boomers are a generation of parents who haven't truly come to terms with their own limitations as their kids are doing the same.

"When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives" is the name of Adams' recently published book. In it, she identifies the ways in which parents either consciously or unconsciously sabotage themselves when an adult child fails to thrive in the world.

Here are several tips designed to help parents free themselves from the traps they set for themselves when adult children return home.

Put Denial Aside

This is really: put denial aside and name the problem. Adams says naming the problem is often the most difficult of tasks. Is it addiction? Is my child just lazy? Is my child depressed and why? "Don't gloss things over and say, 'This is just a phase they're going through.' Get over the shock that your child is not doing what you think they should be. Come to some conclusion about what it is and address the problem.

Educate Yourself

Few people can fix things on their own, so share the problem, Adams says, and learn from what professionals or other parents dealing with the same problems have to say. "Very often relief from any problem is just one Internet group away." For more serious problems like drug abuse, alcoholism (yes, this may be the reason why a child is not thriving after college) there are established organizations with support groups.

"For situations where a child is just sleep-walking their way through life due to emotional issues like a serious break-up or employment rejection, it is just as important to find help for everyone." Adams says parents can't just leave their adult children in the home to wallow in emotional despair unmotivated. When this happens, the entire household suffers. Feelings of guilt can make some parents become even more permissive, which does nothing to help the child get over the problem.

Adams says parents should offer to assist with counseling if their child needs help, but they should not continue to allow unproductive behavior to persist. Secondly, Adams says it is essential for both spouses to agree on the type of help sought, and that couples seek help together when it's needed. This way, both parents are on the same page when it comes to handling situations that may arise.

Detach From The Outcome

Detachment is key if parents intend to free themselves from any of the guilt they feel when an adult child fails to thrive. For example, once support is offered as in the item above, then the parents' job is to separate themselves from the outcome. Adams says parents have to be prepared that their adult child may not do what they would like for them to do. So to keep from falling into the traps of overindulgence and guilt, one has to step away and not get upset about a child who continues spiraling in a negative manner.

Set Limitations

The key here is set limitations for yourself, the parent, because parents know better than their children how not to take responsibility for things.

The key is to set parameters on how long they can stay in the home; expectations on time frame for gainful employment; limit on financial support; household responsibilities, etc. "If parents want to pay for something, then offer to pay for health insurance until the adult child has health insurance of their own." According to Adams, "As long as a parent is willing to except the blame, a child doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. You need to let the child know that they have to become active participants in their own lives."

There would be less of a need for setting limitations if parents began taking control of their own lives when kids were in high school. "Staggering numbers of kids go through life without ever having had a summer job or commitment to live up to before graduating college. Parents need to tell kids before they leave college what they can expect from life when they are finished. We do them a disservice when we (parents) detach from them during those four years and not discuss life's challenges before graduation," she says.

Adams also says parents would be able to free themselves from the boomerang trap if they seriously discussed and asked their kids to draw meaningful connections between their course of study and their life's work.

Have your child ask the question, "Will I find a job or nurture a career in my field of study? Can I make a living? Questions like these could provide a child with some perspective and prepare parents for the realization that an adult child should be allowed to be just that...an adult who must deal with life's challenges on their own.