Excerpt: "Tip It"

OPENING

Oh gosh, where do I begin?

The first thing you should know, readers, is that I don't really like to watch myself on my daughter Kathy's television show. I think I look different than I really look. My voice sounds different than I think it does. Seeing myself on television makes me hate the sound of my voice. I think I look and sound dumb.

Really, I think I look and sound crappy!

But then my friends or my kids tell me, "Well, that's you."

I know they don't mean the "crappy" part. I'm pretty sure what they mean is, I come off natural on television. Well, I've always had a good rapport with my youngest, my daughter, Kathleen. I've certainly always felt natural with Kathy. At ease. But as you all may know, she loves saying things on television she knows I don't want to talk about. Certain things she does to provoke me, I could kill her for. And all that foul language! Christ. But I do the best I can. I go along with it. When you see me on "My Life on the D-List," look at my body language, look how I sort of pull my arms and legs in close, getting ready for whatever she might say next; it must look like I'm warding off some impending storm when I'm on camera with her.

As long as I've watched her do stand-up, there always comes that moment. She starts with, "Oh, I've got something to tell you about Maggie …" and it's all I can do not to try and figure out what it could possibly be she's going to tell about.

Usually all I can come up with is, "Oh my GOD, now what??"

I love Kathy, but I'm totally unlike her in many ways. First of all, I hate controversy. Hate it. I hate to hurt anyone's feelings. And I really like people. Mostly, I just like them to like me.

But when you watch Kathy imitate me in her act, all the swear words, the tough-sounding voice, and the complaining, even I get to thinking, "Gee, that Maggie really is a hard old dame!" Sometimes it's fun to play along. Some nice young kids recognized me recently, and they asked if they could take a picture of me. I said "Sure," and then they wanted to know if I'd flip them off for the camera. So I stuck my middle finger right out there and smiled. Well, why not? Maybe it's fun to have people think of ordinary wife and mom Maggie Griffin as being a little naughty once in a while!

People are generally really nice to me when they meet me out and about. They'll say, "I wish I had a mom like you!" Or "You're just like my mom!" And I think I know why. I'm a regular mom. I'm not a mother who pampers Kathy and caters to her. I love my daughter, and I'm immensely supportive of her, but hey, I tell her off. I know how to give her the business. I put her down. Not in a bad way, and I don't mean putting her down like a sick animal. That's a different kind of putting down. Again, I don't like to hurt people's feelings, but I'll say what needs to be said. "That was TERRIBLE, Kathy!" Or "I don't like that part!" Or "Enough already with the bad language."

Christ, that foul mouth gets old, Kathy.

Other times, when people on the street meet me, they refer to "your show." I may correct them - "Oh, it's not my show" - but I'll be a little devilish about it later and goad Kathy by telling her what they said. "Since when did it become 'My Life with Maggie Griffin'?" Kathy will say, and that makes me smile.

I get the whole thing about her giving me a hard time. Her goal is to provoke me, to confuse me, to rattle me, and let's face it, probably make me look stupid. Then everybody laughs. It's very natural, what she and I do. Kathy doesn't make me mad, though, because I know why she's asking me those things. She's a comedian -- a wonderful one, if I do say so myself -- and if all I have to do is answer her the way I feel like answering her, and it's apparently funny, then fine.

My daughter Kathleen put out her own memoir last year, Official Book Club Selection, which was real nice except for the controversial parts. But now I have a book. It's my turn. Kathy. I have some things to say, too, without having to be all controversial like you were. I have things to say about you. About me. About you about me. About where I came from. About the way the world has changed. About being a mom. About Hollywood. About wine. About my gays. About my dear departed husband John Patrick Griffin. About how disgraceful children's clothes are these days. About how wonderful Bill O'Reilly is. That's right, Kathy. Bill O'Reilly. "My boyfriend," as you call him. He made you Pinhead of the Week once.

He got no argument from me.

In fact, he got a "Tip it!"

From Tip It by Maggie Griffin Copyright (c) 2010. Published by Hyperion. Available wherever books are sold. All Rights Reserved.