Dangerous Dates

It's a parent's worst nightmare. Your teenage daughter is in a relationship with an older boy and you don't approve.

In the case of 14-year-old Kara Beth Borden, the situation may have turned fatal. Her 18-year-old boyfriend, David Ludwig, is accused of killing her parents in an argument over her curfew. The Pennsylvania teens were taken into custody on Monday.

"It doesn't appear to be something he planned in advance," criminologist James Alan Fox of Northeastern University tells The Early Show co-anchor Rene Syler. "Unfortunately, 18-year-olds can be impatient and imprudent, and when a block, a barrier to getting something they want — a girlfriend — is in their way, they oftentimes do act in an aggressive way."

It is his opinion that the tragic events happened in the heat of the moment. More often, the kids run away rather than turn violent.

"According to reports, there was nothing about this boy in particular that sent off warning signs that he was dangerous," Fox says. "Essentially, they forbid her to see him. They went out on the sly. She came home late, violating a curfew, and an argument ensued. Unfortunately, he was armed with a gun. That seems to be a big part of the problem here. Had he not been armed with a gun, this episode would have turned out very differently."

Clinical psychologist Robin Goodman agrees relationships where a child is dating someone parents don't approve of don't usually end in tragedy. However, an age difference of more than three years has risks.

"The younger the girl is and the bigger the age difference, the more the potential for risk," Goodman says. "Obviously, as you get older, it's different. They want different things out of a relationship. You have different experiences. But parents really have to focus on the individuals themselves, and get to know who that person is and why either your son is dating down or your daughter is dating up."

The classic thing is for girls to think that boys their age don't understand them. The emotional maturity of girls is often ahead of that of boys. The problem, Goodman says, is in terms of maturity, experience and power. The older person can be overpowering and controlling.

Goodman says these are some of the warning signs:

• Controlling behavior
  
• Drop in grades
  
• Acting disrespectful
  
• Giving up old friends and interests
  
• Dressing differently

But once parents have determined there's a problem, she says it is important for parents not to forbid the relationship.

"Disapproving is different from forbidding," she says. "When you forbid, it starts to push it underground and all communication is gone. You really need to talk to your child about who she is what she's looking for, maybe negotiate new kinds of rules. Maybe there's a sign there's something about the parenting relationship that needs to be changed, or is your child having hard times with friends, peers and needing approval and some kind of validation outside the home?"

Changing your communication style is important. This way, Goodman and Fox agree, your child feels independent and parents get to find out why the child likes a particular person.

"I think what's important for both the 18-year-old and the 14-year-old is that they understand the reason other than age," Fox says. "If they say: 'Well, he's too old for you,' for most teenagers, it doesn't seem to make sense. What's a few years? Look, mom, you're four years older than dad, although not in that case. But they have to have an understanding that this is not an arbitrary decision. To them, it may have seemed arbitrary. And for that reason, they resisted. And the resistance, unfortunately turned violent."