"Dancing with the Stars": Chris Jericho eliminated, Pia Toscano investigated
The show demonstrated that anyone can be saved. It tried to rehabilitate Hanson. You must remember Hanson. They were once young and sang a ridiculously infectious thing called "Doo-Wop," "Ooo-Bop," "Chew-Mop" or something.
Pictures: "Dancing with the Stars" Season 12
If they can return to the big time, so can "Karate Kid" actor Ralph Macchio and even wrestler Chris Jericho. Yet these two were the last two standing in last night's results show. But not before we had an hour of analysis and comment from the judges and former contestants, such as the little brother of Jessica Simpson's ex-husband, one of the two Osmonds who have graced these parts and the only Palin.
Praise was heaped on all the contestants, as if the judges had to somehow justify the absurdly high marks they had given essentially mediocre performances from the likes of Romeo and Kendra Wilkinson.
The package lasted so long that one wondered whether there was any inside information left to reveal. Had the producers really given us everything they had about pouting, tantrums, secrets and Kendra's time of the month?
Almost. But this was only the first hour of a two-hour extravaganza - otherwise known as, "We're scheduled against 'Glee.' Keep pedaling."
Perhaps the most controversial moment of the night came when Bristol Palin - who went rather further in last year's competition than some thought her meager dancing skills deserved - offered an insider secret.
"When I was on the show, I realized that the judges' scores were not everything," she offered. Indeed. Transcendent charisma does count.
If this was the height of controversy, what else could the producers do but offer us some of those who hadn't quite made it on "American Idol"?
First, there was Constantine Maroulis, who has carved himself a new career in the theater show "Rock of Ages." Maroulis looks a little like Queen's guitarist, but doesn't quite sing like Freddie Mercury. But he did give his expert perspective on the tension of elimination.
"This is, like, the worst day of the week," he said.
He added of the contestants: "They're all going to be stars till the end of time."
I am sure that is true of the other "American Idol" alumna present, Pia Toscano. She was here not merely to continue her rehabilitation after her surprising "Idol" exit, but to fuel rumors of a relationship with "DWTS" professional Mark Ballas.
It was left to Tom Bergeron to confront her with investigative questions. Ballas had clearly risked life and ankle to dance while she sang (he had been injured Monday night), so Bergeron took the opportunity for revelation: he asked her whether Ballas was a good kisser.
Toscano seemed ready for this journalistic thrust. She looked benignly in Bergeron's direction and cooed with deeply political correctness: "He's a wonderful person."
In the midst of all this guilty excitement - and the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys all together! - it was hard to focus when the elimination finally came around. The big question was: would it be Chris Jericho or Chris Jericho?
Some could argue that Wilkinson has outstayed her welcome. But her appendage-wobbling willingness surely presages more spectacle next week, when she must undergo two dances.
Regretfully Jericho's performance Monday had been so poor that not one of the judges could offer him a 9.
When he was inevitably pinned, Jericho was gracious, suggesting that he was relieved because now he could get to that other kitschy show of the week - the Royal Wedding.
"Dancing with the Stars" marries the kitschy, the glitchy and the occasionally bitchy. You know that, next week, there will be more dancing fun, games and, hopefully, controversy. The question is, who will have the stamina to perform twice in one night? Will Kirstie Alley begin to feel the strain? Will Ralph Macchio's knees finally give way? Will someone admit that Chelsea Kane and Hines Ward are rather better than everyone else? Will the judges simply give everyone a 10 and let the viewers decide?
Perhaps. But only perhaps.
