Courtesy Key In Good Marriages

Etiquette expert Peter Post believes that it doesn't matter which fork you use, it only matters that you use a fork. In his new book "Essential Manners for Couples," he goes beyond forks and spoons and advises how to take the daggers out of your relationship with your partner.

"So often we act without thinking," he tells The Early Show. "We don't do things wrong intentionally. We're not rude or thoughtless intentionally. We act and then our partner says, 'What on earth were you thinking?' And, usually, the answer to that is that you weren't thinking. You think, 'If I was thinking I wouldn't have done it in the first place.' And that is the first step.

"But I want people to go to the next step and think, 'What am I going to do that will make the other person come out of this better? How can I do something just a little more thoughtfully?' Everything else in a relationship flows from that."

Much of what's in the book came from a Post Institute couples' survey, where they had responses from over six hundred couples and focus groups.

"It's the little things that partners do daily to communicate their love for each other," he says. "And, it's beyond the toilet seat. It's the guy who says, 'I love you,' or the woman who calls in the middle of the day and says, 'I was thinking about you.' Those are the meaningful things between couples. The happy couples are the ones who make the effort to communicate with each other.

"People talked about non-verbal communication: the brush of the hand on the back, the wink across a room, leaving the car with a tank full of gas. The little things you do for each other are important."

Another big surprise for Post was couples who stated that their relationships were on the back burner because every moment has to be spent dealing with our kids.

"You can always get a couple of minutes alone — even if it's just to take a walk," he says. "You need to take time for the two of you."

Click here to read an excerpt from his book. And click on page 2 for his advice on how couples can get out of four sticky situations.

Be aware of the situation
You and one or two other couples go out to dinner and the check comes. But sometimes splitting it equally isn't really fair, particularly to the non-drinkers and dieters. How do you handle that without appearing cheap?

"This is an awareness issue and you need to be aware of what's going on," he says. "When the check comes someone needs to look at the check and say something like, 'Let's make sure you don't get hit for paying for a full entre.' You can then say, 'Bob, you and Joan only had soup and salads, why don't you kick in $40, and we'll take care of the rest.' If no one says that, you can say, 'Joan and I just had salads. How about if I kick in $40, which will cover us and the tip, and you take care of the rest?' Then you just give the waiter your credit cards and say this one will cover $40 and the others will take care of the rest.

"This is almost always a case of people not thinking. People will be reasonable about these things if you try and work it out ahead of time. You can say, 'Hey, how do you want to split this?' And, you need to remember that everyone should try and be aware of the situation. So, even if you are the one with the expensive meal, you should be on the look out to prevent the problem for others."

Old friends have immunity
You become part of a couple and everything is wonderful and then you meet his best friend from seventh grade and you hate him. What do you do?

"Unless they do something incredibly egregious, the old friends have immunity or 'tenure.' " Post says. "You cannot expect your partner to give up old friends. You can agree that your partner sees the friend sometimes without you. You can also arrange for occasions where you reduce the impact of your being social with that person. Invite them to a party where there will be other people. Or go to a movie. You're together, but don't have to talk much. And, you have to have a silent signal with your partner. When it's time to go your partner needs to say, 'This has been fun, but we're tired and it's time to head out.' "

Early party alert
How can you make going to an office party a pleasurable activity for you and your partner? As a spouse, what are your responsibilities in going to the party?

"If you want your partner to feel comfortable at your office party you have to get ahead of the curve," Post says. "You have to plan. You need to tell your partner when the party is. What's the dress code. Arrange for a babysitter. Let them know all the details you can so they can plan for it and feel comfortable."

Once you are at the party, Post says you need to make sure you introduce your partner to your co-workers and vice versa.

"Forgetting names and not making introductions is one of the worst things that can happen," he says. "You get awkward and feel embarrassed. It's simple, just say, 'I'm sorry I've forgotten your name.' It solves the problem immediately and no one will think ill of you for it."

Once at the party you both have responsibilities. "Your partner has the responsibility to be a willing participant," he says. "Be willing to talk with your co-workers and your boss. You have the responsibility to be a good host and make sure your partner has a drink and appetizers. You want your partner to be comfortable and feel like he or she belongs there. But, it takes effort.

"You both need to remember that it is the office party. Even though it's a party — it's work. You have to act appropriately because the next day people remember how you behave. Getting plastered at your spouse's party isn't a good idea."

Create your own traditions
Frequently when a couple gets together, there's this awkward moment when it's the holidays and you have to decide where to have Thanksgiving, and where to spend Christmas Eve. How do you make that decision?

"One thing you can do is recognize what's important to each family," Post says. "Thanksgiving may be more meaningful to one family and Christmas Eve more important to the other. That information may help you make the decision. Or, you may decide to make a schedule and switch — this year we're going here, next year we're going there."

Post encourages couples to come up with their own, distinct holiday traditions. "You create your own traditions by taking what you love best from your family traditions and combining them with what you love about your partner's holiday traditions," he says. "They become blended and become yours as a couple."