Count the Blessings that Aren't
It's that time again, time to stand up and take inventory of the things that don't suck in your life.
Sure, you could go with the obvious: friends, family, the recent outpouring of spray-tanned, glittery justice on "Dancing with the Stars."
But I think it's high time we looked upon some less evident candidates to inspire our gratitude. It's time we take notice of things that, upon deeper examination, may actually be contributing minute quantities of good along with the heaping, Country-Buffet-sized portions of bad.
It is in this spirit that I have compiled the following, abbreviated list of blessings in disguise that deserve to be counted along with all those double-digit calories this Thanksgiving.
Bedbugs:
Once upon a time, "Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite," was an antiquated slogan of little relevance or meaning, but these days it is a warning of genuine concern.
Some have begrudged the recent influx of blood-sucking cuddle buddies into the lives of urban dwellers. Personally, I find it comforting to know that the likelihood of my going to bed alone diminishes with each two-week reproductive cycle.
But bedbugs don't just take our platelets, they give back. They are, for example, a great way to repel anyone whose company you are no longer enjoying. Trapped on a bad date? Crammed next to an un-showered transit rider? A red marker, a few dots, and some enthusiastic scratching later, and you can enjoy having the restaurant table or bus bench all to yourself.
I am hoping that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade includes a fitting tribute to these parasitic arthropods. Nothing could warm the heart more than watching thousands of New Yorkers chase down and stab to death a giant two-story tall bedbug on live TV.
North Korea:
The original geo-political maverick, Kim Jong Il is the living, breathing, jump-suit-covered, glaucoma sunglass-wearing embodiment of the phrase "Going Rogue."
Enriched uranium, succession announcements and an unprovoked attack on its neighbor, North Korea is keeping us on the edge of our grandmother's doily-covered seats this holiday season.
Although I am not sure how much anyone has to fear from a nation with only one television channel, I find it comforting to know that I will have something other than my uncle's annual kitchen fire to stress out about over hors d'oeuvres.
North Korea may be the spiky, misbehaved fat kid of the international lunch table, but with an aging patriarch more chemically imbalanced than his caché of poorly-constructed nukes, nothing is out of the realm of terrifying possibilities.
I hope they serve pumpkin pie at the DMZ.
TSA Pat-downs:
Let's be clear, if 30 seconds of awkwardly standing in ballerina pose is the only thing standing between me and a free-range, home-cooked turkey coma, I will happily jump naked through a flaming backscatter machine while TSA officers hold up score cards judging my acrobatic antics on a scale of one to 10.
Airports suck. X-rays suck. Pat-downs not preceded by dinner and a $9 cocktails also suck (most of the time).
You know what sucks more? Acting like a jackass and doing anything to prevent long lines of innocent travelers from getting to their loved ones during the least commercial holiday of them all.
Thanksgiving is very simple. There are no presents or candles or children being forced to pose with creepy life-sized mascots at the mall. The components are pure: fall, family and enough gravy smothered entrees deliciously drown the entire over-paid cast of Grey's Anatomy.
Anyone participating in antics, protests or misguided stunts hoping to gain YouTube celebrity should be warned: stand between me and my gate and you will be enduring an experience much more painful than a back-handed caress from a blue uniform with a badge.
I will turn your "junk" to scrap metal.
