"American Idol": Top 13 singers revealed
With these words Ryan Seacrest offered last night's viewers the turn down before they lay down to watch "American Idol." This was the night when 11 singers would be sent down the laundry chute of the Hotel California, never to return.
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What did return was the excellent, measured unpleasantness of Jimmy Iovine. The Interscope producer who would again be mentoring the finalists, was harsh about Chase Likens, for example, suggesting he was the apogee of country yawn.
On the other hand, he declared he would sign Phillips Phillips (and Jessica Sanchez) right here, right now. Some might wonder, naturally, why he hadn't already.
With a little populist justice, Phillips was the first to be told he was in the Top 10. The judges were each allowed a wild card after the people's vote, meaning that this year the number of finalists would be a very fortunate 13.
As the results separated the wheat from the alleged riff-raff, there was Sanchez. There, too, was Heejun Han. Han confuses Iovine because, well, stars aren't supposed to have a sarcastic sense of humor.
"This isn't 'American Comedian.' This is 'American Idol,'" sniffed Iovine, with abject self-importance. Stars are supposed to do what they're told by producers, you see.
As Seacrest called singers up in threes or fours to tell them of their fate, Iovine kept chipping in with apposite (and recorded) spit. Chelsea Sorrell he judged to be "Carrie Underwood karaoke." And this of Reed Grimm: "Way too kitschy. Way too cabaret." Of Aaron Marcellus: "A bit cheesy. A bit Don Cheadle." Of Creighton Fraker: "Judges loved him. I didn't."
Jennifer Lopez declared that Iovine should come to the show, rather than sit in a little room. She also said she wanted to punch him. On Wednesday night, punching was a gesture of Lopez's affection. Last night, it was a gesture of frustration after being shown up by someone who dared to say what he really thought, instead of offering motherly soft-soapings.
Indeed, Iovine's judgments showed a very fine sense of what the little girl voters really like, for he didn't seem to be too wrong about anyone who was voted into the Top 10.
Yes, even Jermaine Jones. Jones had originally been voted off and some might suspect he was now in the Top 10 as some sort of sympathy exercise. But there he was. And Deandre Brackensick, with the Milli Vanilli hair and soprano throat, was not.
Oddly, when Jones was announced as a Top 10-er, Lopez sat rigid, refusing to applaud. Was it because of sympathy for 15-year-old Eben Franckewitz, who had not made it? Or might she have been miffed that Jones had returned from the dead?
Then we had the drama. Yes, the sing-off, a vehicle that "The X Factor" had tried to exploit for, well, drama.
Six singers were chosen by the judges, from whom each judge would pick one. This was slightly sad. Clearly, Iovine has better judgment of popular taste than these three. Instead, the choices would all be theirs.
Jen Hirsh sang "Oh, Darling", which began unsteadily, but ended strongly. "I love it when it ends up like you just did," said Steven Tyler.
Jeremy Rosado offered a little Carrie Underwood. One could tell that the audience was immediately engaged, as Rosado let his vocal bodice rip, bared his feelings and, at the end, wept like a forlorn lover tossed to the winds. Lopez herself sobbed like Kate Winslet's older sister.
Next was Brielle Von Hugel. "You guys don't understand that this is my life," carped the vast ego with the stage mamma from the rougher side of purgatory.
Iovine had earlier admonished all the singers who had chosen Adele songs. Von Hugel offered another Adele song - "Someone Like You." This, sadly, resembled vodka-laced karaoke at 2 a.m. in some forgotten college bar in Cleveland.
"You were a little pitchy in some spots," said Tyler, politely. If Tyler bothers to criticize, you are so very long gone.
Brackensick was next with "Georgia on My Mind." Shedding his hair all over the floor seemed to be on his mind too. He gave his performance so many touches, so many nuances that it was as if Teddy Pendegrass and Klaus Nomi had suddenly returned to earth and inhabited the same body.
Erika Van Pelt, given another chance, channeled a little Lady Gaga. She sang that she was on the edge of glory. More accurately, she was on the edge of obscurity, but her voice attempted to claw her back up the cliff, even though no one was holding a hand out to help. Tyler declared it "out of the park."
Last was the allegedly kitschy Reed Grimm. He took off one shirt, he crawled all over the floor, he rapped, he scatted - all while attempting to perform Bill Withers' "Use Me." The judges couldn't, even though Jackson elegantly called him "one of the most different artists" the show had ever seen.
Jackson chose Van Pelt. Lopez chose Rosado, who hugged her like she was his long-lost auntie. Tyler selected Brackensick, whom Tyler could have mistaken for a girl. Amid all this stunning excitement, one thing became clear: America suddenly had no interest in another country boy singer to follow Scotty McCreery.
Next week, the contestants will honor Stevie Wonder and Whitney Houston, as the roller coaster begins to pick up speed down a steep incline. It will be dramatic. And none of it will be Ryan Seacrest's fault.
THE TOP 13: Phillip Phillips, Jessica Sanchez, Hollie Cavanagh, Joshua Ledet, Heejun Han, Shannon Magrane, Skylar Laine, Elise Testone, Colton Dixon, Jermaine Jones, Deandre Brackensick, Erika Van Pelt, Jeremy Rosado.
