"American Idol": Portland offers few trailblazers

(CBS) With the sense of immolation that had struck "The X Factor" - yes, two judges and one presenter offered concrete boots - one watched the latest auditions of "American Idol" with a frisson of trepidation.

In contemporary television, no one is safe. Not even the judges.

Special section: "American Idol"

So what caliber of judge is it that when Brittany Zika arrived as the first auditioner in Portland and tripped, Steven Tyler offered: "Did you fall for me?"

He followed that with "I'm much too young to be this old." What would Simon Cowell have made of this verbal slapstick? Slapped him with a stick, perhaps.

Zika, with large glasses, prominent teeth and a vastly nerdy disposition suddenly slipped into the sultry vocals of a deep-voiced, determined diva. When she took off her hat and her glasses, it was, yes, just like that movie scene you wish directors had cut before it was shot.

Church has always been a good place to start one's reality show career. Melanie Amaro, winner of "The X Factor," is merely the latest to have gained her singings wings at the altar.

Momma's boy Jermaine Jones, all six feet and eight inches of him, sang Luther Vandross' version of "Superstar". The only superstar he resembled was Luciano Pavarotti - not because of his size, because of the large beads of sweat that poured from his scalp all over his face.

"I actually heard the song through your nerves," said Tyler. Jennifer Lopez, before allowing him to progress to Mammon's altar in Hollywood, warned him that he had to loosen up. No one, after all, is uptight in Hollywood.

Talking of tights, Lopez seemed reluctant to begin the second day of Portland judging, because she'd lost her black ones.

"I'm sorry, I meant to give them back," explained a contrite Ryan Seacrest.

This was, naturally, humor. Some poor productions assistant had to produce Lopez' black tights before anyone could loosen their vocal chords.

Britnee Kellogg, 27, came in with her two young boys and a story about how her husband had held her back. Stacy Francis, a 42-year-old contestant in "The X Factor", had told much the same story, but had then largely melted down as the competition became - depending on your perspective - tougher or more absurd.

Kellogg's husband was a basketball player. She said she helped him pursue his dreams. Then, in her words, he decided to "pursue other women."

Some will be astonished to hear she sang "You're No Good." She sang it with the appropriate levels of fire and bitterness. She offered so much feeling that Lopez, no stranger to difficult relationships, sang along.

When she was told she was through, Kellogg had one question. She asked of Lopez: "How is it being a mom because there's so many people who say you can't do this?"

"You don't leave the kids. You never leave the kids," was Lopez's reply. "You have to be happy, so that they're happy."

Sam Gershman, a lady with boundless kilojoules of energy, bounded in and sang "I'm A Woman." It wasn't a good sign when all three judges started laughing.

"Sam, the One Act Show," said Randy Jackson.

"Could you have been any more perky?" asked Tyler.

In the end, the judges felt that she was either too Broadway (Lopez) or that she should be an Easter Bunny (Tyler). Gershman explained that the latter suggestion was less than useful as she is Jewish. Sadly, she was told to hop along.

From the rushes came David Weed, who looked like Napoleon Dynamite's best friend and sang, well, Rush.

After he had finished his finely high-pitched attempt at mimicking Rush, Jackson asked him if he really thought he sounded like Rush's lead singer, Geddy Lee. Weed explained that he hoped he sounded a little different. Jackson retorted that yes, Lee is good.

Romeo Diahn, a refugee from Liberia, offered a little soothing Bob Marley, yet he gave it an deeply Africa inflexion. Lopez was worried about the kinds of songs he might have to sing in the competition. Could he cope, one wondered, with a little country?

Naomi Gilles, 22, sang one of Steven Tyler's songs- "Cryin.'" It was, as Randy Jackson might have offered, slightly pitchy. And yet Tyler smiled, spoke positively about her tone, while Lopez and Jackson seemed to love it too.

But a collage of the angry, the upset, the disillusioned, the annoyed, the disheartened and the devastated served to remind us just how fragile the business of showing yourself could be.

However, one of the rejected, Ben Harrison, a boy with a baby face and an inability to mimic Freddie Mercury, was more sanguine after his rejection: "I didn't puke or pee my pants."

Which simply left the story of Jessica Phillips from Brooklyn. The 25-year-old dental hygienist's boyfriend, D'Angelo Perry, had suffered a stroke. Phillips looks after him. She sang Faith Evans' "Again." She was good. How good only time (and good judgment) will tell.