"American Idol": Pittsburgh is not the pits

(CBS) "American Idol" provides us with lessons in life. We stand in line for auditions, thinking we have a chance. Then we look around.

"I thought I was a little good. But they're just crazy good. And now I'm thinking I'm not good at all."

These were the words of Heejun Han. He looked like a nerd. A nerd who wore a silly hat, indeed. We were supposed to think this would be some screeching halfwit, one who might even drop his pants and sing while yo-yoing.

Special section: "American Idol"

But, oddly, Han had a soulful, winning timbre to his voice. Even more oddly, his family - hanging outside with Ryan Seacrest - said they had never heard him sing.

It was then that one realized: the producers are going to play with us in Pittsburgh. They're going to make us believe we're about to hear a weirdo - but then, gosh drama, these apparent weirdos can actually sing.

It's so much fun being a producer.

Here we had Reed Grimm, for example. He did, indeed, look a little troubled. He was as disheveled as half of the people you see on Venice Beach. He claimed he'd been singing since the age of 2. Of course he had.

He waved his arms around. He offered a spate of scat. He attempted to out-crazy Casey Abrams. He was going to be silly, right? And yet, this sounded good. This was talent. Obvious talent.

It seemed as if the judges were sending more people to Hollywood than Napoleon sent to Moscow.

Still, you haven't seen weird until you've seen Samantha Novacek. Well, until you've seen her sister, Patti. Patti, is a planker. Yes, someone who lies down on her stomach and picks her legs up off the ground at every opportunity, in every place - on every TV channel, if she could.

So Samantha sang a little Faith Hill (well), as Patti planked beneath her. We all need a foundation for our performances.

Then there was a man wearing pink and white bunny ears - there's always one. This gentleman, Creighton Parker, having taken off his bunny ears for the audition, claimed he'd not been able to decide what to sing, so he'd written his own song on the way.

The song was about "American Idol." The lyrics were less than profound. Not many great songs include the lyric: "Randy Jackson." This was all punctuated by a little scatting.

"That's like Jamiroquai and Justin Timberlake had a baby," offered Jennifer Lopez.

Parker kept on singing. And singing. The judges kept flinging praise his way.

Then Justin Bieber showed up. Well, it was a little boy with the remnants of Bieber's hairdo. Eben Franckewitz, 15, admitted that people thought he looked like his Bieberness. There is market gap for this young lad. Bieber's voice has broken.

Franckewitz was sweet, if you're fond of little boys singing.

Travis Orlando is a 17-year-old high school dropout who is currently living in a shelter with his father and twin brother. He's auditioned before. He wept as he told his tale.

Is he that good? Perhaps not. But he's a lovely story.

In Pittsburgh, there was nary a weirdo in sight and so many of the auditioners seemed weirdly comfortable with the concept of singing.

Miner Shane Bruce wanted to sing "that Hallelujah song." Yes, the one "from Shrek." How quaint that someone had first heard this classic in Shrek, rather than, say, in every single singing reality TV competition since the genre was disinterred.

Bruce was nervous. Some of his notes were as cute as Shrek himself. He was one of the only singers we saw who didn't get to Hollywood.

Hallie Day had a story, one of a dysfunctional family, a suicide attempt and a loving husband who saved her life. What did she sing? Why, "I Will Survive."

Just when we thought that Steven Tyler's lechery had taken the day off for a cold shower, here he was asking Day to sing more. He just likes "watching her when she sings."

Sometimes, one just wishes some nuns would get hold of him and lock him down in a cupboard for a while.

There was, however, a suspicious amount of professionalism in Pittsburgh. There was little to laugh at, little to criticize, little to despair over (except for the ratings, which are 17 percent down from last year).

How did this happen? Well, the show was only an hour long.