How To Spend Your Anti-Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day approaches each year like the monster from Cloverfield: quiet at first, but you know it's there, and suddenly it is everywhere, wreaking havoc from all angles. Then before you know it, it's all over, and you probably died (or didn't die) kissing some girl in a park.
Maybe it isn't that extreme, but Valentine's Day is inevitable, and for those of us that fall into the "single" or "considering buying friends" or "lying about my relationship on Facebook to try and make my ex jealous" categories, Valentine's Day is usually spent trying to distract ourselves from our loneliness.
If you are one of the millions of singles just counting the days until February 15th, this article is for you. Let's take a look at some ways you can cope with couples coddling each other while you freeze your lonely butt off in your cheap peacoat and beanie, lacking any sort of human contact. I'll discuss ways to distract, occupy and consume yourself while you suffer through this artificial holiday.
Go Out With Other Lonely Coworkers: Remember, you're not alone. Well, you are, but you're not the only solo-Valentine. Everyone's deeply hidden sadness can be cured with a few Jack and Cokes and some Dave and Buster's skee ball. Or, better yet, Big Buck Hunter. Take out your rage on a few digital deer. With the proper mix of overpriced alcohol and shame you could be headed for an awkward morning after next to a coworker. All Vallow's Eve (as we sometimes call Valentine's Day) falls on a Tuesday, so embrace the morning after as a hungover hump day.
Just Play it Totally Cool: Thanks to social media, your ex(es) can track your one-person Valentine's Day from afar, while they celebrate their newfound love aboard their significant other's yacht. You must have a rebuttal. Photoshop yourself into some pictures with Rihanna, or on Maury for a paternity test with Beyoncé and Jay-Z. It's much easier than ever to make yourself look busier and more popular than you actually are. Take advantage of fake retweeting a celebrity to make it seem as though they are trying to talk to you. Example:
RT @LadyGaga Hey @kyleayers, can't wait for our Valentine's date tonight. Kisses!
Reconnect With Your Kids: If this option is even remotely a possibility for you, then I suggest you power down your laptop, get in your Civic and be a better parent.
Watch an Entire Television Series: Watching a single movie has too high of a probability of reminding you of that special someone, plus movies are about two hours long, which is more than 20 hours too short to consume your entire Valentine's Day. I recommend The Wire or The West Wing, both of which avoid too many malicious relationships, and also have enough episodes to last you until Arbor Day (which I will now google to see exactly when it occurs).
There are numerous ways to make your Valentine's Day as painless as possible. Find a way to distract yourself, and remember that Valentine's Day is a competition. So make sure you're having (or looking like you're having) a better time than every single one of your exes.
Kyle Ayers is a writer for CBS Local and KorkedBats.com, as well as a stand up comedian living in New York, Earth. Follow Kyle on Twitter @kyleayers.
