Nobody Asked Us, But Here Are 10 Better Stories Ryan Lochte Could Have Told
LOS ANGELES (CBSLA.com) — Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has been called all kinds of things this week: hero, champion, liar, victim, storyteller.
He claimed he and three other members of the American swim team were held up at gunpoint while in Rio. Videos of the quartet vandalizing a gas station restroom, partying, hanging out during the time of the supposed robbery would suggest there's, at the very least, some type of embellishment going on.
To say the initial story has changed would be a bit of an understatement. Even the swimmer's fiercest allies are now questioning what happened.
"Today" show anchors, where Lochte first related his story, even stood by the swimmer Thursday to say while they didn't believe he outright "lied," they did think his story took on some unnecessary twists and turns.
Lochte is a great swimmer with an awesome kick, but thinking fast on his feet? Maybe not so much. It is rumored the entire story about the robbery was made up because Lochte was, how to put this nicely?, wasn't where his Playmate girlfriend -- Kayla Rae Reid, thought he was. Oops.
We, of course, would NEVER condone lying. But there are 10 things Lochte could have said to have avoided this entire mess. Maybe even some of them the girlfriend would have believed.
- Honey, my car broke down. Always effective. Especially when traveling in a foreign land that might not have AAA.
- I had chlorine poisoning and the fellas had to take me to the ER! (while chlorine poisoning is not known to cause memory loss, she's not a doctor, she's not going to question it. And privacy records? She can't check an ER. Gas stations are not protected.)
- The dog ate my homework and my passport and cellphone! (When in doubt, always blame the dog. People love animals.)
- The guy from Tonga kept following us and we were creeped out! Also try: The guy from Tonga wanted us to go clothes shopping. People love that guy from Tonga. Who would doubt him?
- We wanted to go for a late-night swim but couldn't find Speedos! (She knows you love to swim! And if the gym just happened to have a bar and dance floor, is that your fault?)
- Zac Efron showed up and ... we're we just supposed to leave? (Effective, 'cause Efron did show up.)
- Phelps wanted to take us all out to dinner!
- We were all watching reruns of my 2013 reality show "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" and lost all track of time. (As did people who actually watched this show!)
- The American female gymnastics team wanted to show us how to stick a landing. (Everyone loves the gymnasts and if anyone can contort themselves into and out of strange positions, it's them! Plus, they were with Zac Efron ... win-win.)
- We thought "brothel" was a place to get snacks! (Whenever possible, blame the language barrier.)
