Tired Of Watching The Olympics
By: Eric Thomas
The Olympics are on. All the time. Seemingly every channel. If you aren't watching the Olympics, because you don't care, every other channel is reading a ticker tape printout of the results in real time with the unbridled glee of Augustus Gloop falling into the lake of chocolate. I guess they like ruining NBC's tape delay day. Note to ESPN: I am watching your network because I don't care about the Olympics. In fact, I wish the Olympics would go away. If I wanted to watch the Olympics, there are 7000 channels playing the Olympics. I understand that you are a little steamed at NBC for turning on a sports channel, but you have to stop. And for the love of God, enough with Tebow. I am on my knees.
Sorry, got off the track there for a second. So I wind up watching the Olympics. I really hope it stops being such a bore when they get to track and field. I hope NBC shows track and field during the day. I can't imagine they would tape delay something as banal as the long jump. Would they? Are they actually that mean to people who work at night and lash themselves to the TV during the day?
The stuff that you see live during the day are only the most boring variety. I watched water polo for a while yesterday. It's almost as boring as it sounds. I can't figure out why they wear swim caps in water polo. They aren't trying to gain any speed. They aren't trying to keep their hair dry because whenever something positive happens, they peel the caps off and throw their hands in the air. Also, water polo seems like the easiest sport in the world to score in. The goalies are completely useless; almost like the sport needs someone to watch the shot go in. Basically if you throw high enough you can get the ball in the net without problem, and that's what everyone does. You also get the impression that the water polo guys are just a bunch of friends that got together doing something stupid and now here they are at the Olympics.
I spent an hour watching fencing the other day. It might have been two hours. I have no idea. I also can't recall anything about it. I don't remember who won or why. The images played in front of me and I absorbed none of it. The information I gathered from watching fencing is stored somewhere in my synapses in a place I can't access, sitting next to the memories of childhood trauma and Matthew McConaughey movies. Part of the reason has to be that they are competing in spacesuits. I understand that you don't want the athletes to get stabbed by swords but could the sport make some effort here? Can they at least try make it look like Lord of the Rings?
At least it's not swimming. Yes, Michael Phelps is amazing, he is the greatest Olympian since Hercules, decorated, loves his mother, apple pie, Chevrolet, ice cream, home of the Whopper and called it macaroni. Be honest and say that swimming is boring. They go from one side of the screen to the other. The networks had to invent a technology so you could see what is happening. (Even in HD they are basically blurry.) So you are watching a yellow line go across the screen. Hooray, America.
I suppose I haven't watched today, but I am wondering if I am missing the dressage horse competition. I only know that the event exists because I heard the Romney's are in it. I don't know what dressage is nor what happens. The only description I have heard is that its horse dancing and that might be funny to watch. For some reason when I hear that description, I think of animated Disney movies from my childhood, like Fantasia, and if that was happening in real life I guess that would be cool.
I'm going to stop typing. Trampoline is on.
