I Can't Get Excited For The Olympics
By: Eric Thomas
So… the Olympics are starting. I understand that it makes me a common American heifer but I really don't care. I am sure that there will be a moment this year where I have a passing interest in the games. I work in the middle of the night so there is a good chance I will be on the couch supine staring at some competition involving rowing or jumping or diving or shooting or horsing and I will wind up staring at it in some kind of bizarre fugue state, finally changing the channel to something else entirely, maybe the Price is Right, wondering how long I was in I actually was enveloped in its trance of graphics and Costas. My mind will probably not burn any of the images to disk, but when people ask me if I actually watched the Olympics I will have to say for no other reason because I want to remain honest, 'Yes'. This is how it goes every four years.
I suppose I should be a better patriot. I should pay more attention to the games. I guess I watched a lot of the Atlanta games, maybe even most of them. They were on at convenient times and I was in middle school, so I had nothing else to do. All the Olympic gatherings since were broadcast at odd times of the night, and in order to remain surprised by the outcome one would have to mute the television almost all the time. As the Internet has leaked into every crack of my existence, I would at this point have render completely deaf and blind to avoid any spoilers. Knowing the outcome ruins the experience. It's why you could never watch ESPN classic for more than five minutes. (Typically: "Hey! I loved that game! … … … What else is on?")
I hope Michael Phelps gets a bunch of gold, but I have no problem getting that particular update on Twitter because that's exactly how much I care. I will wonder if he won for three seconds. I will look, feel satisfied (sounds like: "huh!") and move on with my life, which these days involve yelling at the TV whenever whatever Tiger is struggling steps to the plate.
That's another problem with Olympic sports. It would be one thing if they would just PLAY THE EVENTS. That's never enough. You have to watch these endless segments about what it took to get there. It's depressing when you watch a half hour package about a decathlete who recovered from a severe car accident that resulted in a severe brain injury that resulted in five years of rehab and after they learned to walk again, learned the English language, learned to clean, bathe, feed and get the mail for themselves again, they finally fought their way back to the track; how he got injured again, thought the dream was dead, but then back for more therapy, so devoted to his recovery he never interacted with any other humans for a decade, living the life of Quasimodo, his spouse left him, his kids don't call, but then through the strength of belief he made his comeback, finally qualifying for the last spot on the team, then all that ends in three tenths of a second with a last place finish on live television the viewer now understands the total tragedy of why he is shaking his head, what he has given up to be there, only to have it end like this and after ALL THAT hear an announcer tell us what a great story it was that they actually made it there. I suppose that it could be an allegory for life, but I really don't need a story worthy of John Keats when I have sunk my big butt into the couch to watch a little TV. Plus, as an American sports fan, I need someone to root against.
The last time I cared about any Olympic endeavor was the Winter Games where the Canadian and American NHL players met in the gold medal final. With the admitted patriotic pinning underneath, I don't think I was ever more ravenous as a fan. If the President had announced that the United States intended to invade Canada, I would have agreed whole-heartedly. In fact, I probably would have signed up. I would have organized a march to the Yukon that would have made William Tecumseh Sherman look like an episode of the Wiggles. I was whipped into a frenzy that was only made more masochistic by the fact that stupid Sidney Crosby was the one that beat us.
Saying 'us' seems to mean more when you say it about the Olympiad. You feel a little silly reflexively saying it about a local team that you watch but when its team USA you feel like you are actually a part. You would think that would make me more likely to watch. Nope.
I will watch the Tigers this weekend and I suspect many of you will too. I suppose there will be some people (women) who will follow every stroke that Michael Phelps takes (they don't care about swimming) and I think that's great. Make sure you post the results on Twitter.
