How To Wake Up Tigers Bats
By: Eric Thomas
The Tigers can't seem to buy runs and its getting frustrating. Oh sure, fans want to find Octavio Dotel's house and throw garbage at it. It's completely understandable. Fans on Saturday wanted to pour sugar into Jose Valverde's gas tank. But blaming the back half of the bullpen is ridiculous. With the payroll that the Tigers have invested in the bats they should be producing more than 2 runs per game.
There are plenty of people who are blaming Jim Leyland, and they are coming out of the woodwork Braveheart style. Some people are blaming Dave Dombrowski some have called for the release of Valverde outright (which has calmed a bit since Dotel's meltdown). There seems to be outright frustration and that is fine. While Dotel was melting down, all I could do was laugh.
This blog merely sits among a thatch of others who are laying down hand spans to map the Tiger's issues. Last week I lamented that the Tigers bats were had passed "sleeping" and lapsed into a coma. Now it seems that they are showing signs of atrophy and bedsores.
Leyland has done the best he can. He can't move the monsters. He tried moving Andy Dirks, and that has been met with mitigated success. Both players in that transaction have benefited. The Tigers can't really manufacture runs, as they don't have any team speed. They made the decision to live and die by the long ball when they signed Price Fielder this winter. No backsies on that. If you say you were against it from the start you are a liar. I took a lot of crap for saying that you can't buy runs, and I heard none of you galloping to my defense. If you try to climb into my bandwagon now I will kick you off.
The Tigers need help and it's time to look outside of baseball. Yogi Berra famously said that 90% of the game is half mental and I think he is 100% right about most of it. You of course need confidence to stand in against guys who throw the ball 100 mph. But you also need support of the baseball Gods. The baseball Gods seem unhappy with the Tigers so it's time to get a little bit of help. Here are some actual ceremonies that are performed by actual people around the world that might help the Tigers get their bats going:
Pagan ritual to break a curse – Paganism. It's actually older than all major religions so maybe they are on to something here. I have no idea. All I know is I have bumped into several Pagan women that I would want to … uh … perform rituals with. I think every guy remembers that pagan girl from high school smelled like patchouli and was hot enough to actually listen to for a moment. Plus something about a woman wearing what amounts to curtains kind of does something for me. The Pagans suggest (I swear): The Salt and Dragon's Blood bath ritual. I certainly hope that your bathtub isn't white! The description of this ritual un-ironically says that you should "Mix dragon's blood with jojoba oil" You can just BUY Dragon Powder? We restrict nuclear materials but Dragon Powder is found at any store? Where? Whole Foods? Is that in the area with the grains? I never go there, so maybe. So apparently you mix those two common household items together and you take a bath in them. Sounds soothing. That will get the bats going. Not interested in Dragon's Blood? How about:
Self immolation – Well, no one will question your commitment at the presser afterwards. This is the polite way of say "set yourself on fire". Saying someone is on fire is usually a casual cliché. This in an actual ceremony performed by actual religions. I imagine volunteers would be hard to come by in this ritual.
Church of God with Signs Falling – Sounds legit, right? I can only imagine the horror on someone's face that unknowingly walks past that sign and into the building. This is the polite name for the snake handling religion, apparently popular in West Virginia (if you have ever been to West Virginia, this makes perfect sense). People gather every Sunday and sing to the snakes. As part of the ceremony, you must approach the pulpit and grab the snake. I of course punch out of this ritual way before that. I am pretty sure I am running as soon as I see a large snake uncaged in the room with me. But yeah, these idiot- people actually pick the snake up and let it oil around on them for a while. What's worse is that the snake religion people almost exclusively go with poisonous snakes. If a parishioner is bitten, the snake people just chalk it up to that person not being a true believer. Whoever has been bitten does not really deserve the trip to the hospital and they should die right then and there. There has never been a religion that has so definitively proved the theory of evolution.
Baby Tossing – That isn't a metaphor. At the temple of Digambeshwara in India, it is a centuries old tradition to throw babies over the wall of a church. The toddlers are then caught by people below with a sheet. There really isn't any data of toddlers dying from this practice, but they of course are a little disturbed. I mean the children and not the people performing the ceremony. On second thought, I mean pretty much everyone involved is disturbed. There are plenty of these videos on YouTube. If you laugh at the videos at all, you may be a bad person. At least you know.
