Eric Thomas: The "Winners" In Iowa Look Like A Bunch Of Losers
By 97.1 The Ticket's Eric Thomas
The Iowa caucuses are over and who's that hanging from the rim with the disturbingly dead smile and eyes so distracted that you swear he would rather be anywhere else? It's former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, the GOP's new leader. Romney is throwing his arms up in victory, taking his shirt off, and twirling it around his head like a helicopter. Those of us who are actual conservatives view this situation a little differently. It kind of feels like when the doctor pulls on that rubber glove at the end of the exam. As soon as you hear that snap, you know this is absolutely necessary but it's going to be unpleasant.
His "victory" speech last night was a mess. He stammered and meandered through a version of his warmed over stump speech filled with bald platitudes ("In this campaign night, America wins.") and closed by unbelievably reading "America The Beautiful" ("The amber waves of grain could be corn, RIGHT?") and peacing out on Kid Rock's "Born Free". Rick Santorum was filled with emotion, embracing his wife and shouting out to the man upstairs before launching into well delivered boilerplate. I am not sure Santorum is presidential, but it certainly worked on television. It certainly didn't contrast well at all with Romney who came off like he was trying to sell you on the merits of that True coat.
Mitt Romney will never be elected President. Not a chance, and the same goes for Santorum. But it's not like there was anyone in this year's GOP field that had a prayer anyway. So far the primary season has been nothing short of a debacle. I mean, for a while Donald Trump led the polling. The only way we can explain that one is that the GOP has a rather large number of very vocal idiots who answer the polling questions. Plenty of people tell me that the economy has made Obama so vulnerable that "a ham sandwich" could beat him. Yes, but we are not electing a ham sandwich. A ham sandwich is tasty, while Romney isn't palatable at all.
Romney is going to run on his ability to make money at Bain capital and his one term tenure as the governor of Massachusetts. Trust me, that ship is full of holes. Bain amounted to a corporate chop shop and this summer Romney's former employees are going to revel in their ability to make their names impugning him. His turn as the Massachusetts governor was equally spotty, running socially "left of Ted Kennedy" and passing a Universal Health Care plan that haunts him like an illegal nanny.
Many conservatives give the President little chance in the fall and if you believe them I have a bridge you might be interested in. The President of the United States is never weak, no matter how much you hate him politically. Those who compare Obama to Carter are foolish and those who compare Romney to Reagan are delusional.
I wouldn't fret conservatives; this is not out of the norm. Incumbent Presidents typically get to run against a bunch of losers. In 2004 the Dems ran the laughable cadre of Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman and Al Sharpton. Bill Clinton sought re-election against Bob Dole and Pat Buchanan. The party never elevates the good candidates when there is an incumbent in office. Reagan was a special candidate and Clinton got a bounce pass from Ross Perot. If your heart wilts for the state of the GOP, you will get a preview at Romney's convention. My guess is John Thune will bring the house down in Tampa. Maybe the country will give a fair shot to Jeb Bush, granted he has a massive Achilles Heel … ("You elected the stupid 'Bush'!") Either way, like Obama rocketing out of John Kerry's embarrassing convention ("I'm reporting for duty!"), this looks like a rebuilding year. It's going to be on us to suck it up and just go with it, all the while understanding we're doomed. Obama could arrest Santa Claus and still beat Mitt Romney, a man who perfectly embodies the 1% the country is so mad about right now. I mean, they ripped on McCain for having several houses. Romney basically owns counties.
So get ready for Mitt. He is going to stand alone as the leader of the Republican Party. We get to watch that uncomfortable giggle when he gets nailed for the better part of a year. Romney is stuffed to the seams with smarmy smiles and empty statements. He guaranteed victory in Iowa on Monday, only to walk it back 24 hours later. Get ready for dozens of those.
The Obama team is going to re-run the Harry Truman campaign, where he railed against a "do nothing congress" and overcame his high negatives to beat the surging Republicans in the shocking 1948 election. Luckily the republicans have obliged the president by handing them the 2011 version of Thomas E. Dewey, who was just as milquetoast as Romney, speaking in careful platitudes such as: "You know that your future is still ahead of you." Yes, this is an actual quote.
Ann Coulter famously warned CPAC last year that if Romney is the nominee "we will lose." and she was absolutely right. She has since recanted her stance, because it benefits her financially to stay on the team. That's her brand and there is nothing wrong with that.
The best part of 2004 was watching left wing pundits desperately twisting themselves into knots to explain away Kerry's callously contrived stance on the Iraq war. Obama's attempt to navigate those waters in an interview with Ted Koppel at the 2004 convention was a scream. The right wing pundits wear the tap dancing shoes this year, desperately trying to sell Romney, which they all know is like trying to sell a carton of Marlboros to the Surgeon General, all while blinking away tears of shame and regret.
Get ready for that conservatives. This one is going to be brutal.
