Ten Foot Mailbag: The Poop That Saved The Blackhawks
By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) While many of you like me were yelling, "SH**!" at your televisions after the Canadian Joey Crawford inexplicably had a Niklas Hjalmarsson goal waived off late in the third period of Game 7 of Wednesday night, you probably didn't know that actual sh** has been contributing to Hawks victories. And, no, I don't mean Daniel Carcillo.
See, there's this dog that has magic poop that brings the Hawks victories. "A Blackhawks fan named Shannon […] reports that she frequently takes Ivy, her Lab mix, on walks in her neighborhood. Another resident of Shannon's neighborhood just so happens to be Blackhawks left winger Patrick Sharp, and she claims that every time Ivy leaves a deposit on the Sharp's lawn, the Blackhawks win." Science.
Please don't all congregate on Sharp's lawn to fertilize it, though. Poop mojo is a delicate thing.
Weekend. Get fit.
On to your correspondence.
For a second, can we pretend shirtseys are an acceptable item of clothing to wear to live sporting events… What's the ruling on ones of players no longer with the team? I.E. can I still rock my Mark Buehrle #56 shirtsey to a Sox game? I know I'm ahead of the curve because I'll be one of the few adult men at The Cell wearing sleeves (and sans forearm tattoos) but I need to know proper etiquette. Thanks!—@EddieGriffin1
For shirseys to be acceptable I would definitely need to be in a state of pretend. Why do you even own one, man? Disappointing.
When it comes to them—and there's a tshirt cannon pointed to my head, I guess—or actual jerseys, there are unwritten points of etiquette everyone needs to follow lest they make it to the "SH** you see at Sox Games" Facebook page.
Rule 1: A former player's jersey may be worn if he satisfies one of two criteria—A) He is an established franchise great; B) His jersey represents a significant degree of kitsch or irony. So, for an example pertaining to "A," while Ken Griffey, Jr., will soon be in baseball's Hall of Fame, he is NOT an established great White Sox, so don't rock any Jr. Sox stuff. Per "B," a Ron Karkovice jersey would be badass, but an Omar Vizquel one would just be sad.
Rule 2: Even if a player satisfies one of the two criteria in Rule 1, his wearable jersey status is negated if he is still currently an active player with a different team. When said player retires/dies/goes to prison, his jersey may then be donned in public. So your Buehrle one is a no-go until he hangs 'em up, Eddie.
Rule 3: Wearing jerseys as an adult is only (borderline) appropriate at the sporting event in which that player is associated. This means no Bears jerseys at Sox games or Cubs jerseys at Bulls games. Also, no wearing of jerseys in bars or other social gatherings. Cut that garbage out, fanboys. Wearing a $200 Blackhawks sweater in a non-stadium where food and beer can be spilled on it doesn't make you a great fan—it makes you an idiot. I saw a guy a few weeks ago drop the ribs he was eating on his white Hawks sweater, and there were few times in my life I've ever basked more in the warm glow of schadenfreude.
Rule 4: Autographed jerseys are not supposed to be worn. Autographed any pieces of clothing are not to be worn. Stop doing that.
Rule 5: Personalized jerseys may be worn anywhere at any time because the world needs to know how sad you are.
First of all, how does new Athletic Director Julie Hermann still have a job there? Not only does she have a checkered past, she lied about it when applying for this job. LIED. So not only is everyone involved in the hiring process at Rutgers terrible at their jobs for not doing proper background checks on its candidates, they are actively supporting a person who lied to them to get her current position. The school should at least change its name to The University of New Jersey just to reflect how embarrassing of an operation they run over there.
But despite Rutgers doing everything it can to make Penn State not the most uncomfortable partygoer in the room, Jim Delany and Co. are likely not very concerned about Rutgers internal problems other than Delany himself reportedly having had a hand in hiring Hermann. That school was brought in to make the B1G cash, and it probably will as the New York area representative to the conference. Despite any warm, fuzzy mortarboard-tossing commercials, the conference is a business, and until Rutgers starts costing the B1G money instead of just its own wallet getting lighter, the addition is still a plus as of now.
Play a very interesting game of "Marry, Sleep With, or Kill."
And here's your Angry Penn State Fan of the Week:
Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you're a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss.
Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to tenfootmailbag@gmail.com or tweet them to @TimBaffoe with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.
