Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.
Aquarius
Aquarius, you probably shouldn't tell the press about your pretend girlfriend.
The stars get it! When your friends make fun of you for being single, it's awkward. It's tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, "Why don't we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let's whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!"***
So sure, yeah, we can see why you'd be driven to create a fake girlfriend.
But please, don't ever tell the press about her. Nothing good can come from it.
***I've never been on a football team, or any sports team whatsoever. This is what I assume men--real men--talk about in locker rooms.
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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and has never made up a girlfriend in his life. Also, he's totally dating Batman.
