Baffoe: Your Guide To Irrationally Hating The Tampa Bay Lightning
By Tim Baffoe--
(CBS) You'll get no super serious Stanley Cup Final preview between the Chicago Blackhawks and Tampa Bay Lightning here. Go away if you crave one of those "here's what might happen even though theoretically anything can happen" soft pieces that falls somewhere between the awkward nitty gritty and pandering nuts and bolts.
The Blackhawks are going to win the Stanley Cup, and most of the "Keys to the Series sponsored by Oldsmobile" pieces are lip service and paying bills. With that knowledge, something has to bridge the emotional gap between now and the inevitable parade and drunken cursefest at Grant Park. Feelings need to be had.
And there's no more satisfying feeling to fill the void in a fragile ego than sports hate, particularly the kind that has almost nothing to do with the subject at hand — in this case, actual hockey. Oh, the buzz of that sweet, pure cut ad hominem.
It's not enough to just root for a better team like the Blackhawks. There has to be psychological victory as well.
So what superficialities does Tampa provide for such schadenfreude? Let's step into the toothless humidity.
Besides just being from Tampa, their fans are pretty dislikable
Tampa is the Busch Gardens of cities. "Hey, we're trying to be part of civilization!" And if you've ever been to Busch Gardens in Tampa, your lingering skin condition knows what I'm talking about. But Lightning fans seem incredibly sensitive and whiny to boot.
Hockey in Florida is an affront to the gods of sport
I'm told that discriminating against hockey based on geography really rankles Lightning fans, so here we are. When are we going to pull the plug on this monkey in space project? Gary Bettman's excuse to have working vacations in the South is a farce. The Florida Panthers and their empty games are a glorified tax shelter for Jaromir Jagr.
"But people show up to Tampa games."
Yeah, to root for the other team.
"Hey, we Floridians can be great hockey fans, too."
Yeah, about that…
The stupid ticket policy
Criminy, not this garbage again. Why must professional franchises go out of their ways to be openly petty and unprofessional? It's like the sports column equivalent of taking stereotypical pot shots at an entire city. As it was with the commencement of the Nashville Predators series, now it can't just be that the Blackhawks defeat the Lightning.
They must embarrass them. A sweep would be cool, and a lot of fans want the Cup finally raised on United Center ice for once. But part of me wants that ceremony directly in the faces of the Amalie Arena clowns.
The Lightning ruined an Original Six matchup
Imagine the potential Doc Emrick nostalgia waxings. Gone. All of them gone.
Who weeps for the producer whose sepia pregame montage dies on the vine?
Remember Mark Messier?
Jameis Winston is a Lightning fan
If the newest Buccaneer didn't root for the Lightning before the Final, he does now by the sports law that says unless one was already heavily invested in a team in another sport, one must become a fan of the other professional teams in the city in which one now plays.
Enough said there.
So Lovie Smith must be a Lightning fan, too
(In extreme Lovie voice)
"I think we have a good hockey team. We like our hockey team. Our focus right now is on being a better hockey team. I have a great affinity for Chicago, always loved my time there. But I'm not here to talk about Chicago. I'm here to talk about the Tampa Bay Lightning, our goals for the future, about bringing a championship back to this proud franchise -- and beating the Green Bay Packers."
Barry Melrose was Tampa's coach
Melrose was in charge for 16 glorious games before he was fired.
Tyler Johnson has "Johnny B. Goode" as his goal song for some reason
Yet it doesn't seem like Johnson's all that familiar with rock and roll god Chuck Berry.
From the May 21 Tampa Bay Times (bold text mine):
Lightning C Tyler Johnson got a kick out of hearing Chuck Berry's Johnny B. Goode played at Amalie Arena after he scored Wednesday night. Johnson said he never has had a goal song and had heard the classic hit a few times before. "That was pretty funny. I didn't expect it," Johnson said. "It's pretty cool. Hopefully I can score a few more."
How deep in the Nunavut territory do you have to be from to have not have heard that song eight billion times from Saturday TBS showings of Back to the Future alone? Wait, Johnson is from Spokane? Is he Amish or something? Whatever the hell all that above paragraph means, it's bothersome.
The Lightning are composed of freaks
Ben Bishop is 6-foot-7. Victor Hedman is 6-foot-6. Andrej Sustr is 6-foot-7. Braydon Coburn is 6-foot-5 and named Braydon.
This isn't how you go about the David vs. Goliath narrative, Tampa. These manthings should be in one of those roadside independently owned zoos that pepper Florida. "Y'all wanna see the foreign ice skater wrassle a gator?"
Of course, this isn't a complete list of ways you can mock the Lightning and the swarthy place they call home. But at least you'll have plenty of time for creativity while the Blackhawks are winning.
Tim Baffoe is a columnist for CBSChicago.com. Follow Tim on Twitter @TimBaffoe. The views expressed on this page are those of the author, not CBS Local Chicago or our affiliated television and radio stations.
