Baffoe: Nobody Puts Jay Cutler In An Empty Media Room
By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Following another in what has become a string of expected embarrassing losses for the Chicago Bears, quarterback and anti-hero Jay Cutler on Monday night made his usual perp walk into the media room at Soldier Field to do his best not to tell reporters and kids watching at home that everything is wrong and there's no Santa Claus.
The Bears' PR team -- apparently not wanting to be left out of the mess that the team has become -- for some reason didn't inform (soon enough) most of the media present at the stadium that Cutler was ready to talk. So in the latest episode in the off-the-field comedy of errors that happens to the 5-9 Bears every freaking week — if you didn't DVR it, last week on Bears Tire Fire was "Offensive coordinator tearfully apologizes for bus-tossing Cutler" — one person asked Cutler three questions before Cutler wisely got the hell out. The microconference was a fitting microcosm of how bizarre this season has been.
These are the 2014 Chicago Bears. Murphy's Law applies at all times with them, and it seems that Murphy huffed paint thinner before showing up, too.
While some of his counting numbers look good because the Bears are so pass-happy, Cutler hasn't been very good this season and has probably regressed under coach Marc Trestman.
Still, it's as though bad luck and weird opportunities for public beatings always find the dude. Because Cutler's perceived as a massive prick, answering three questions politely before leaving (because it isn't any athlete's job to sit and wait for the crucifixion to come to him) is prime whacking for the Cutler narrative piñata.
But none of the Keystone Koppery that happened in the press room was Cutler's doing. The Bears PR team dropped the ball a la a Bears receiver, and it's documented by local media. It's sad really, but in that way that I have to laugh to keep from crying.
As well as ponder what Cutler did after he left…
I like to think it went on further. Imagine, if you will, Cutler in the Soldier Field parking lot, revving his engine, going back and forth between screaming at nobody and mumbling to himself.
MEDIA. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL.
Why would they embarrass me like this? After all we've been through.
WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGETHER IN CHICAGO FOREVER. I FRIGGIN' HATE YOU. SO MUCH. I SO MUCH FRIGGIN' HATE YOU.
I love you. You're the only ones that listen to my problems. I need you.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?
["Sister Christian" by Night Ranger starts playing; Cutler begins softly but progresses to more volume and enthusiasm]
Stupid media, oh the time has come
And you know that you're the only one
To say I played OK
"Walk us through on that interception, what were you lookin' for…"
You know those boys
Don't want to play no more with you
It's true
You're motorin'
What's your price for flight?
In finding Mister Right
IT'S NOT JOSH MCCOWN TONIGHT
Babe you know I had to leave the room so fast
And Cutty's worryin' that you won't last
To say let's talk about the game plan
Stupid media, there's so much in life
I won't give it up before my guaranteed money is due
I think it's true and I know it's true yeah
Motorin'
What's your price for flight?
You've got him in your sight
And you don't see the nickel back coming from the right
Motorin'
Night yeah
Where were you at tonight
I guess Martellus Bennett's just alright tonight
Cutlerin'
"Why's your face a plight?"
"He never smiles quite right."
"He only plays out of spite."
Cutlerin'
My wife she ain't so bright
Defensive end closing tight
You'll be bloodied tonight
Stupid media, you know I'm not a bum
And you know that you're the only one
To say
"But it's Trestman."
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH FRIGGIN TRESTMANNNNNNNNNNN
Cutler peels away flipping the bird all the way down Lake Shore Drive. He'll wake up the next day and get right back to being a leading role in the tragicomedy that is the Chicago Bears. And maybe reporters will be there to continue to write the epitaph.
Tim Baffoe is a columnist for CBSChicago.com. Follow him on Twitter @TimBaffoe.
