Baffoe: An Open Letter To Santa Claus
By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Dear Santa,
Okay, I think I have been pretty good this year. I didn't help cover up any sex scandals at a major university, I didn't take part in trafficking narcotics across the country, I watched minimal amounts of ESPN, and I stopped wrestling homeless people for money.
You owe me, fat guy.
I understand that you are pretty busy right now with your undocumented workers prepping for the biggest time of the year when you distribute goods to the masses. So how's about you hook me up with everything on my list, and I won't drop a dime on your illegal Socialist conspiracy. Deal?
I'm not even looking for material goods or cash or Christina Hendricks covered in marshmallow fluff like last year. Instead, I merely have a few demands for my sports soul that you need to come through with. And, hey, some of these gifts are for other people because I'm not selfish.
First, Derrick Rose can never leave the Bulls. And he has to be perpetually twenty-three years old. Ditto Jonathan Toews. You're over 1,700 years old, so you can make this happen.
I want a new general manager and offensive coordinator for the Bears. The new GM should be able to draft sort of well and not just take guys he finds on Chat Roulette. The coordinator should not be a pompous, stubborn stupidhead who doesn't adjust his playbook to his quarterback's skills.
While we're on the Bears, please distribute handbooks on fan etiquette across the city and suburbs (mostly the suburbs) that teaches fans to shut the hell up when the Bears have the ball and the quarterback is trying to signal to his teammates. Either that or give a My Home Lobotomy kit to those idiots (particularly in the 815 area code).
Oh, and another medical one—facelift for Jay Cutler, please?
A college football playoff system is an absolute must. There are 731 bowls, did you know that? My alma mater, THE Governors State University, was selected for one, and we don't even have a team. A playoff system will work, it will make those greedy university bastards and TV networks money, and it will dissolve such travesties as The Beef 'O' Brady Bowl, which is a bigger disgrace to the Irish than Tom Cruise's accent in Far and Away.
Get Stacey King a giant tub of cheese and bacon. He's earned it.
A joke book for my guy, Len Kasper, would be appreciated by him, I'm sure.
Hawk Harrelson told me he wants disposable umpires. Also, he said to get something nice for Yaz.
Get Roger Goodell to change the overtime rule in NFL games. Please.
I want the serenity to have faith and trust in what Theo Epstein is doing with the Cubs. He's good at what he does, but it's so hard to watch a team rebuild. Especially one that has not won anything since hating the Spanish was cool.
And make Chicago baseball fans stop hating the team they don't root for. The Cubs and White Sox have little bearing on each other outside of six games a year, so hating one of them is nothing but ignorant.
Please commit a crime and get it pinned on Alfonso Soriano. I need a reason to hate an otherwise nice, responsible guy with an outlandish, albatross contract.
For everyone who asked you for the new Air Jordans, lace them with strychnine.
And, finally, help all of us to realize we live in the greatest sports city on the planet. Whether our teams are winning or losing, we are extremely fortunate to not be in the middle of nowhere investing our emotions into some college team and treating everyone involved with it as infallible. As Norman Mailer wrote, "…Chicago is a great American city. Perhaps it is the last of the great American cities." There is no city with such a complex cavalcade of sports opinions and emotions, and I love being a part of it, even if it is in the form of writing a pretend letter to a fictional home invader.
Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America's youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim's inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don't follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago's Beverly To read more of Tim's blogs click here.
