Hurley's Picks: Rex's Jets Sure To Make Some Noise Vs. Patriots
BOSTON (CBS) -- I don't know who's having a worse end to the football season -- me or the NFC South.
I can make a pretty compelling argument for myself, after all. Things are kind of unraveling for me as the season winds down, as I've gone 58-70-3 since Week 7. Prior to that, I was 58-33.
Now an excuse-maker would remind you, the kind audience, that Week 7 coincided with the birth of my lovely daughter. But me? I'm no excuse-maker. I would never look at that peaceful bundle of joy and ascribe blame to her for my own failures. Never! That's the move of a loser. And so let me make it clear -- in no way am I blaming my perfect little peach for my struggles this season ... even though my demise coincides with her arrival on the planet. Pure happenstance there. No doubt about it.
How dare you suggest that I'd place blame on my little princess. How. Dare. You.
Shame.
Anyway.
Regardless of where I place the blame for my second-half struggles, I still don't come close to putting forth a more embarrassing 2014 than the NFC South. It began last January, when the Panthers got rolled at home by the visiting 49ers and the Saints failed to compete in Seattle. And it carried over into the 2014 regular season in ways nobody could have ever imagined.
The Falcons lost at home, dropping to 5-9. The Panthers beat the Buccaneers by two whole points, "improving" to 5-8-1 and prestigiously moving into first place. The Saints ... well, the Saints beat the Bears, but the Bears barely showed up. That hardly counts as anything.
Add it all up, and the NFC South is a combined 9-28-1 when facing teams outside of their sorry division. No team has a positive point differential. The Panthers have been outscored by 70 points. The Bucs have been outscored by 113.
They're the worst.
And in a fun twist of fate, there now exists the possibility that the sad-sack winner of the NFC South gets to host a playoff game during the divisional round, while the Packers may be forced to go on the road.
What a league.
As a result, for the final two weeks of the regular season, I refuse to offer any commentary on the NFC South. Instead, I'll fill my picks with whatever random thoughts are in my head. Whatever that me be, it's more valuable than the NFC South, I can assure you of that.
Let's roll through the picks.
(Home team in caps; Wednesday lines)
JACKSONVILLE (-3.5) over Tennessee
"Hey, cool, it's Thursday night! Time to kick back on the couch, pop open a beverage and watch some football! Who do we got tonight?!"
*Hits "info" button on remote control*
*Tries to pick one of these two teams to win the football game*
*Realizes that after this week, the horror of Thursday night football is mercifully over*
(Thanks to some presidents past and present for help with that pick. Just some political humor for you.)
Philadelphia (-7.5) over WASHINGTON
SAN FRANCISCO (-1) over San Diego
I used to love NFL football on Saturdays. I've never been a fan of college football, so I'd wait impatiently for that useless season to end so that I could experience the thrill and wonder of football on Saturdays.
Now with football on Thursday nights, Saturday football is more rare and less exciting. Still, I could get into the idea of some Saturday football if the league were offering some decent matchups.
Instead, we get these two games.
The Eagles will be taking on the shell of Robert Griffin, whose "fumble" while scoring last week was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Then we get the Chargers and 49ers in a battle of which team can thump its chest for having the most futile offense in the league.
There's a good chance that I'll be too busy to watch these games, and then afterwards, I won't care to watch them on DVR. For that, I guess I'm thankful.
PITTSBURGH (-3) over Kansas City
The Chiefs have not beaten a team not named "Raiders" in more than a month. (They also lost to a team named "Raiders" in that span.) That's reason enough for me.
MIAMI (-7) over Minnesota
We're getting to the part of the year where games like this one are impossible to predict. Both teams are coming off losses, and neither team is going to the playoffs. It's officially "earn your next paycheck" time of year, and it's hard to know what will bring.
And for as crazy as it may be to trust a team that just got shutout 27-0 in the second half, I can't rightfully ever pick Mike Zimmer's team again. Nope, not after that clown show at the end of their loss to Detroit. You had Teddy Bridgewater having no idea what play to run, you had Zimmer pointing downfield as if to say "throw the ball deep toward the end zone," you had Matt Asiata going down short of the sticks for no reason, and then you had ... a 68-yard field goal attempt. This may shock you, but it was not successful.
That is a team that is clueless. I wouldn't be shocked if they all forgot to bring footballs to practice this week.
Baltimore (-5.5) over HOUSTON
The Texans started this season 1-0. All-time great band Smash Mouth played halftime that day.
Since then, they have a 2-3 record on their home turf.
Seems to me like the Texans are fools for not hiring Smash Mouth to play halftime for every game. Dopes.
NEW YORK JETS (+11) over New England
Rex Ryan is going to get the ax once the regular season ends. It's really too bad, especially if he joins a TV network instead of another NFL team. Television has enough loud-mouth dummies yapping into the camera 24/7. The league is desperately short on people who actually say something.
But I digress. The point is that this will be Rex Ryan's last home game as HC of the NYJ. And wouldn't ya know it -- it's Bill Belichick and the Patriots coming down I-95 to make an appearance at the farewell party.
I'll grant you that the Patriots are roughly 10 to 15 times better at football than the Jets. I understand that the term "depth chart" cannot be taken literally when it applies to the Jets. I get that the Patriots will be going full-speed-ahead in an effort to get that No. 1 seed.
But I also think Rex Ryan, with nothing to lose, is going to draw up some of the most absurd, exotic defenses he's ever employed. It should, at the very least, lead to a turnover or two that should keep the game relatively close. You know that the Jets players, who all love Rex, will be putting in their max effort as well.
I don't usually love putting too much stock into non-football factors heading into a weekend, but this is a different case. This is Rex's Last Stand.
(Now entering the NFC South portion of the program)
Green Bay (-11) over TAMPA BAY
I watched "The U Part 2" last weekend. It came on around midnight, and I put it on with the intention of falling asleep, but I ended up staying up until 2 a.m. to watch the whole thing. What a fascinating place that school is. I think what I liked most is that none of them apologized or felt bad for taking money and gifts, and they really shouldn't. NCAA president Mark Emmert also came across as a giant dink, which always makes for good television.
I think I'd really like to play down there at the U. I do still have four years of eligibility left, so I mean, Al Golden, call me, man.
NEW ORLEANS (-6) over Atlanta
I saw a story this week about a dumb man or woman who wrote to the FCC to complain that her 6-year-old child was able to read the lips of Tom Brady as he let out some F bombs on the sideline. Lady/sir, your 6-year-old would have to know what the F word is in order to be able to know that's what was being said. If I watch slow-motion replays of a man speaking German, I'm not going to know what he's saying. So no, your 6-year-old does not know what Tom Brady was saying, unless your 6-year-old is well-versed in curse words (which would be your fault, not Tom Brady's).
The incident reminds of me of when people complained after David Ortiz swore at Fenway Park. It brings me to this: What's with people who write to the FCC? Psychopaths if you ask me. Nobody actually writes to anyone anymore, but there are people putting pen to paper because they're violently angry that adults spoke certain words? Ay caramba. Get outside, go to the beach, breathe in some fresh air and get a life, you weirdos.
CAROLINA (-3.5) over Cleveland
Some sports thoughts in my brain:
--Are the Golden State Warriors going to win a championship this year? That'd be wild.
--The Red Sox trying to sell Jon Lester on the fact that he needed to return to Boston to cement his legacy is some next-level shadiness. "We lowballed you, we traded you, and now we're offering you $20 million less than the other team, but you owe it to yourself and your legacy to play for our team."
--Mumps? Really, hockey? Mumps? It's difficult enough to be a fan of the sport that quit trying to gain new fans 10 years ago, and now you get a mumps outbreak? Come on. And then Sidney Crosby gets the mumps? You can't even protect your biggest star? Do you think Roger Goodell would let Peyton Manning or Tom Brady get the mumps? Do you think Adam Silver would let LeBron James get mumps? Do you think Bud Selig ... ah, never mind. I'd never put anything past that old bag.
--Do you ever wonder why you live where you live? Look, I love where I live, it's a great place, I have tons of family here, I get to work in sports because people care about it. I don't have a desire to live somewhere else ... but why don't I? People in most of this country can play golf 12 months of the year. That's insane. In Massachusetts, you really get five-ish months of good weather for golf. In the spring, it's freezing and the grass is awful. By October, you can never find your ball because it blends in with the leaves. And then the frost hits. It's crazy. And there are also places like New Orleans and Key West that let you drink beer in public. Beer in public! If you so much as utter the word "Budweiser" while in public in Massachusetts, you get cuffed and detained.
--That last one might have started as a sports thought, but man, it really devolved. Anyway, that concludes my NFC South talk for the week.
Ridiculous Quote From Last Week's Picks: "Marvin Lewis is a moron. A complete idiot."
Note: So the Bengals won the game ... and they won it 30-0 ... OK. But I didn't know Johnny Manziel was going to be the worst quarterback of all time. Whatever. I stand by what I said.
Detroit (-7) over CHICAGO
In part because the Lions are terrible, but in part because I think deep down inside I am a Jay Cutler fan, I so badly want to pick the Bears. In my wild imagination, Cutler and the Bears put together a real "oh-who-gives-a-bleep" performance and beat the Lions by 30 points, just because they feel like it. After yet another embarrassing performance on their home field, and after a week of hearing about how the team is stuck with Jay Cutler for two more years at top dollar, can't you just picture Smokin' Jay and Co. putting together a dominant performance to close out their home schedule?
Yeah, I can't either.
Wait, what's that? The Bears are benching Cutler in order to start Jimmy Clausen? They're giving up on the guy to whom they owe about $3 billion over the next few years? Hilarious. Go bears, go!
ST. LOUIS (-5) over New York Giants
I suppose there might be some people in this world who are willing to take their hard-earned money and entrust Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning to turn it into more money.
I'm not one of those people.
Those people are stupid.
RQFLWP: "Jeff Fisher has the Rams doing everything right at the current moment. Drew Stanton is not capable of going on the road and getting in the way of that."
Note: Ah-ha! Yeah, I missed on my pick, but Drew Stanton had nothing to do with it. So I'm not a complete idiot. That's a victory in itself!
Buffalo (-6) over OAKLAND
The Bills' defense is the real deal. The 32nd-ranked Oakland offense is not the real deal.
RQFLWP: "The Raiders will do all right in Kansas City this weekend."
Note: LOL!
DALLAS (-3) over Indianapolis
I like the Cowboys, and I like them a lot, mostly because I believe the Colts have the most fraudulent 10-4 record possible. Look at this murderer's row of opponents the Colts have had to deal with the past four weeks: Houston, Cleveland, Washington, Jacksonville. The Colts racked up four wins and a plus-50 point differential in that time. Very impressive.
Against teams with winning records, they're 2-4, and neither of those wins came on the road.
The Colts just aren't very good. The Cowboys, they're all right.
And frankly, as a one-man army against the lameness that is fantasy football, I appreciate DeMarco Murray's troll surgery, which has sent fantasy goobers into frenzies during championship week.
RQFLWP: "I guess what I'm trying to say is that Tony Romo might not make it through this game, bless his heart."
Note: Tony Romo threw for three touchdowns and made the entire city of Philadelphia very sad on a Sunday night. I think I missed on this one.
Seattle (-8.5) over ARIZONA
Ryan Lindley vs. the Legion of Boom.
Yeah, OK.
Denver (-3) over CINCINNATI
Given how the Broncos have just looked as average as can be in recent weeks, this pick is really an indictment of Marvelous Marvin Lewis and The Red Rocket. Those guys simply stink when the lights are on and the national TV cameras are focused on them. Stink. S-T-I-N-K. Stink.
Marv is 6-14 as the head coach of the Bengals in prime-time games, with Dalton going 2-6 as the quarterback.
I made the mistake of picking the Bengals on a Sunday night game earlier this year, and I won't do the same this week on a Monday night. There's no worse feeling than seeing the camera zoom in on Marvin Lewis prior to kickoff while knowing that you need his team to win. Let me tell you, that's no way to live.
Last week: 5-9-2
Season: 116-104-5
Read more from Michael Hurley by clicking here, or find him on Twitter @michaelFhurley.
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