Top 5 Worst Athlete Tattoos
By Brian Cullen
Hey gang, quick public service announcement: TATTOOS ARE PERMANENT. And as a reminder, you can sort of erase tattoos, but it involves voluntarily getting shot with a laser – something many of us spend most of our waking hours avoiding. It's bad news bears.
Now, I get that everyone "knows" this, but I'm starting to have serious, serious doubts as to whether or not anyone understands it. Especially professional athletes. Case in point, these five boneheads, all of whom have made some really, really egregious tattoo gaffes in the past. Here are our top 5 favorite tattoo faux pas:
5. Although He's Still Young, Kevin Durant is a Very Mautre Player
What's that? There's a typo in my headline? False. That's the word that Kevin Durant's tattoo artist actually used on his back. Check it out here (it's at the very bottom, all the way left). Woof. But at the very least, after realizing the error (one can only imagine the amount of tweets etc he received in response), he got the whole thing patched up pretty quickly. Here's the "after" picture. Say what you will about his tattoo artist. His grammar skills might need some work, but his artistic abilities are second to none.
4. Elvis Andrus is Out with a Tattoo Injury
During Spring Training last year, Rangers shortstop Elvis Andrus had to take some time off due to muscle soreness. That muscle soreness? All thanks to his spiffy new tattoo. Now, the excuse sounds flimsy as it is (understand, I'm not questioning the pain of a tattoo. I'm just saying that MY boss wouldn't buy it). But the least he could have done is hire a better artist. Yeesh.
3. Rex Ryan Does Something Very Sweet, and Something Very Stupid
Rexy has to be #3 on this list. He can't be last, and he can't be first, because his tattoo is equal parts kinda cool, and unbelievably stupid. Although we don't have photographic evidence of it, a well established rumor (which has mayyyyyybe been verified by Ryan himself?) holds that Ryan has a tattoo of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey on his shoulder.
The cool part? Rex has said "I've been married 25 years, and in my eyes my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world." Aw. That's sweet. Yay, monogamy! The system works! The lousy part? Why in God's name would you think that Mark Sanchez would be a permanent fixture? That tattoo is offering eternal commitment to two parties, one of whom is WHOLLY undeserving.
2. Larry Sanders (No, the Basketball Player) Forgets a Basic Rule
Hang on – just take a look at this yourself and see if you can spot the gaffe. We'll wait.
Ok, show of hands, who got it? Let's see and... three, four... ah! All of you. All of you noticed the whole "i before e except after c" thing. Quick reminder folks: if you're getting ink, bring a dictionary and double check your spelling. This Bucks forward didn't.
1. Chris Andersen Defies Words
What the hell am I supposed to say about this? He has "Freebird" tattooed across his neck and his tattoo artist estimates that he's covered 75% of his body. I can't even make jokes. I'm impressed.
Special Mention: Mike Tyson probably deserves a nod. But I don't wanna make fun of Mike Tyson. He's clearly moved into his "adorable and sad" mode. He tends to pigeons, for Christ's sake! So anyway. All I'll say is he has a notable tattoo that many people recognize. There. Snark tabled.
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Brian Cullen writes vaguely sad comedy articles for Tailgate Fan and Man Cave Daily. Follow him on Twitter @bucketcullen.