Funniest Storylines From the Western Conference
As we enjoy the NBA Playoffs, and watch Stephen Curry suck all of the momentum from the New Orleans Pelicans, I bring to you the lighter side of basketball. I give you the funniest things from five of the teams in the playoffs this year. Last week I gave you the funniest stories from the Eastern Conference and today I give you the Western Conference.The Eastern Conference funny headlines can be seen here.
I only mention playoff teams because it would be mean to mention one of the losing teams like the Los Angeles Lakers. It would be mean to say that the Los Angeles Lakers, at one point in the season, let Kobe Bryant to shoot 33-115. That's 29% for you at home. That's also mind-numbingly bad. If you or I didn't that in an NBA game we would be immediately cut, sent home in a broken down bus (that we had to pay for) and excommunicated from whatever church we belong to. But for Kobe… eh… he's Kobe. It's fine.
However, that would be mean and we wont harp on something like that. Instead, we'll look at some of the funnier headlines of the teams who made it to the playoffs in the Western Conference.
So, without further ado, we begin with the…
Team #1 - Golden State Warriors
The Warriors' Comedy: Draymond Green's Trash Talking
Some people may want to point to the season that Stephen Curry has been having. Some may want to point out the absurd number of 3-pointers he's made this year (286 made 3-pointers). Some may want to point out the progression of Klay Thompson or even the new coach, Steve Kerr.
All of those are great and have been important cogs in the machine. However, I reject all of it and, instead, give you Draymond Green. More specifically, I give you the feuds that Green has been involved in and the verbal shots he fires at other people.
Most athletes are bland and boring on purpose. They do this because any sort of honesty will be an instant topic on any TV/ radio show. Whatever Rob Gronkowski or Russell Westbrook says gets thrown into the 24 hour sports cyclone. After all, content isn't going to fill itself.
Draymond Green doesn't care. He'll tell you what he thinks. So, in honor of honesty I give you the year of Green.
First, the world was introduced to Green after a game against the Los Angeles Clippers and, in particular, an incident after the game with Dahntey Jones. For those who aren't aware of the situation with Green and Jones, let me explain.
At the end of a game Jones bumped Green as he was walking off the court. Green didn't like it and gave him a look of death. Take a look.
That's a look of someone who's ready to fight. Then, in the post-game press conference Green decided the look wasn't enough. So… he went in a little more on Jones.
Yeah… Green doesn't care. He'll speak his mind and if you don't like it, tough.
Then, about a month later, Green takes a shot at the Clippers as a team. In an interview with Grantland's Jonathan Abrams seen here he said, "They have a cocky arrogance, like they've won something, and they haven't done nothing. They pretty much been to the same spot in the playoff we've been to. But they have this cockiness like you're supposed to bow down to them. They aint proved nothing. They aint earned nothing. What respect have you earned?"
Oh, we're not done with Mr. Green. Finally, we move to a game in mid January. The Warriors are playing the Rockets and a video shows James Harden calling the Warriors, "Not even that good," seen below.
That's fine. After all, players will say things to get them motivated all the time. Then, the game is played, the Warriors go on to win by 13 points and everyone goes about their day. Everyone, except for Green, of course.
After the game Green decided to be playful with the media and ended almost every question with "We're not that good."
Don't ever change Draymond. Don't ever change.
P.S. Green's mom is a great troll on twitter. Take a look here.
Team #2 - Houston Rockets
The Rockets' Comedy: Josh Smith
Have you ever been fired from your job? I'm not talking about being laid off or become reassigned to another department or city. I mean fired. F-I-R-E-D, fired. This is the type of firing where the boss doesn't want anything to do with you and will deal with any sort of backlash from H.R. as long as you aren't physically in the building.
We had the NBA equivalent of that earlier this year with Josh Smith and the Detroit Pistons. On May 14, 2014 Van Gundy was hired to be the head coach as well as the president of basketball operations for the Pistons. That means he chooses the players and then plays them accordingly throughout the season.
He didn't like Josh Smith, nor should he have. Josh Smith was a very inefficient player from the field. Smith shot less than 40% from the field, (39.1%) he shot less than 25% from the three-point line (24.3%) and shot less than 50% from the free-throw line (46.8%) in the 28 games to start the year. For those of you scoring at home, that's bad. That's historically bad, especially for someone who was set to make $14 million over the next three years.
So, what did Van Gundy do? He cut him. He didn't even trade his contract in the normal fashion where you get back other players in return to match the contracts. Nope, he basically said, "I will pay you ALL of the money we owe you, just go somewhere else. Anywhere but here."
So, he goes to Houston where all three percentages are up. (43.8% from the field, 33% from 3-point line and 52.1% from the free-throw line.) Now, those numbers still aren't good, but Houston is paying him only $945,778. They'll take that productivity at that price as they end the season as the number two seed in the West and Detroit misses the playoffs altogether in the East.
Team #3 - Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers' Comedy: Austin Rivers/ Steve Ballmer
The head coach of the Los Angeles Clippers is Glenn Anton "Doc" Rivers.
The President of Basketball Operations is Glenn Anton "Doc" Rivers.
One of the players on the Clippers roster is named Austin James Rivers.
Austin is the son of Doc, and he plays nearly 20 minutes a game.
Doc had numerous options to choose from and he chose his own son to play meaningful minutes. That has to be awkward for the other people on the team.
Subject #2: Steve Ballmer
Around this time a year ago the Los Angeles Clippers were in the center of a ver public scandal with their now former owner, Donald Sterling. TMZ acquired an audio recording that revealed Sterling to the public with a pretty historical racist rant to his "girlfriend" V. Stiviano. I put girlfriend in quotes because I have no idea how to qualify what they are or were. If you have a better word for it, let me know.
Anyways, so the audio is out and the commissioner banishes Sterling for life. He can't go to another game and is, for all intents and purposes, banished from the NBA's existence.
That isn't the funny part. The funny part comes with who purchased the team. After all the madness is over, the team is sold to a man named Steve Ballmer. Ballmer is the former CEO of Microsoft and has more money than he knows what to do with. You don't believe me? Well, let's start off by acknowledging that Ballmer is worth an estimated $21.5 billion. That billion with a B.
You need more proof? Well, he purchased a majority share of the team for $2 billion. That's the second highest bid in the history of sports. (Dodgers sold for $2.15 billion in 2012) Furthermore, the highest bid before him, for an NBA team, was for the Milwaukee Bucks. They sold for $550 million. That sale happened in April of 2014. Ballmer bought the Clippers in May of 2014.
That's an impulse buy if I've ever heard of one. That's an impulse but on eBay in the middle of the night on steroids.
That part isn't even the funniest part. The funniest part is seeing him lose his mind whenever he's at the games. These videos down below show you. Just look at them. He's a crazy person.
First off, stop saying hardcore. It's creepy. Secondly, there's more videos of him doing this. A lot more. The rabbit hole of Steve Ballmer acting like a lunatic videos will consume your entire day if you keep looking.
Team #4 - San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs' Comedy: Boris Diaw's Weight Clause
Yep, you read that headline right. The San Antonio Spurs gave Boris Diaw a very special kind of incentive in his contract. If Diaw is able to stay under a certain weight throughout the season he receives a financial bonus. If Diaw can stay under 254 pounds throughout the year he will receive an additional $500,000. Here's how the money breaks down.
If Diaw can weigh less than or equal to 254 pounds on October 25th he receives $150,000.
If Diaw can weigh less than or equal to 254 pounds on the first Tuesday after the All-Star Game, he receives another $150,000.
If Diaw weighs less than or equal to 254 pounds on April 1st he received an additional $200,000.
They did those three dates for a reason. The first date is for opening night, (October 25th) the second date is for games immediately following the All-Star games and the final date (April 1st) is for the playoff push at the end of the year.
I'll never criticize an athlete for being able to get whatever money he can. However, this is funny to me. The man has such a bad reputation with his weight that he has clauses in his contract that give him more money if he stays in shape. I checked to see if he got those incentives but can't find anything saying if he collected on the goals. Either way, it doesn't matter. God bless you, Boris Diaw.
Team #5 - New Orleans Pelicans
The Pelicans' Comedy: The Team Mascots
Unfortunately, we end this piece of a scary note. Take a look at this mascot for the New Orleans Pelicans here.
That's terrifying! That's the type of thing that Eli Roth and Wes Craven create for horror movies. Why in the world would a company sit down in a meeting and think that something like that was a good idea? Didn't one person, anybody, come in and scream like a child before they eventually ran away? Apparently not. Apparently everyone looked at it and said, "Yeah, that works. Design the outfit."
Maybe you're wondering why I'm bringing this up. After all, this mascot isn't new. The team and mascot have been around since 2013. True, but in February they brought the baby back in a meet and greet sort of scenario. Why? Kids will be there, and they will cry. This seems like a bad idea.
Now, before the people of New Orleans stand up and yell, I understand the meaning behind it. I understand it has spiritual meanings to it and it symbolizes luck and prosperity. I'm not speaking ill of that at all. This has to do with the mascot and the designers of the mascot. They could have made the baby cuddly or a little more playful. They didn't have to make him look like a young Chucky on acid. Did the graphics design people do this to be mean? I mean, this isn't the only thing they did to give people nightmares.
Remember the old pelican look?
Yes, they changed the mascot now and it looks much more kid friendly but... again… why?!
Okay, I'm done harping on the mascot.
Now, just like last time, as a final act of comedy, we end on a funny video to send you home with. Enjoy some videos of JaVale McGee on your way out. He's one of a kind.
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