Cemetery Controversy: Church Rejects Mother's Wishes For Beloved Son
By Charlotte Huffman
NEW CASTLE, Del., (CBS) -- A grieving mother's final wish for her son is rejected by a Delaware church.
But did she go too far with her plan for his gravestone?
CBS 3 Eyewitness News reporter Charlotte Huffman has this cemetery controversy.
Ginsey Bates' regular trips to visit son Donny's resting place never get any easier.
On the day we met her she was at his grave to celebrate what would have been Donny's 38th birthday.
She calls him her angel.
"It's every day, you just go through the motions and you have to keep going I guess," Bates says describing her loss.
Ever since Bates buried her son more than 3 years ago in New Castle's Glebe Cemetery she's been looking for closure.
"I guess the final phase of someone passing is to have a monument," said Bates.
But so far Donny's grave remains unmarked except for family mementos and a tattered Father's Day card from his two children.
"This is a little angel I put here for his birthday," she said.
Bates had plans for a permanent memorial.
She bought a $7,000 headstone and came up with a design for it.
The design included various etchings as well as Eagles, Phillies and Ralph Lauren Polo logos and six photos of Donny with his children.
"I thought it would be sweet to have pictures of them and etchings of special things they shared together," said Bates.
But Immanuel Episcopal Church On The Green which owns the cemetery in New Castle says no to the design.
The church's cemetery committee which reviews grave markers rejected Bates' headstone plan.
Approval by the cemetery committee is a rule that is stated in the standard agreement that Bates signed when she purchased the plot.
But when it comes to specific guidelines for a headstone design, there are none.
"What I don't understand is there are many out here, over 50 at my last count, that have porcelain pictures and carvings," Bates said.
The cemetery does contain numerous headstones with pictures and etchings of things like a motorcycle, a power drill, an RV camper, a skateboarder and a stone in the shape of a teddy bear.
"You know these are people buried here, this gives their family comfort, shows a little bit of a piece of who they are," said Bates.
Bates' design was not approved because it has too many pictures and etchings including logos.
Immanuel's pastor, Father Christopher Keene declined to talk to us on camera but did issue a written statement saying...sometimes, part of living together and utilizing a common space involves a delicate balance between the desires of one individual and the well being and wishes of the greater community.
There is no one for Bates to appeal to since the Episcopal Diocese of Delaware tells Eyewitness News it has no oversight and that headstone rules are determined by each cemetery.
It appears Immanuel is taking a more conservative approach than before.
Father Keene says Bates will be limited to one picture of her son and a Christian symbol alongside his name and dates.
"My son is more than a name and dates," Bates says. "My son has little children and they deserve to see them with their dad, this is where they'll have to come to say ' hey this is going on in my life'."
On behalf of Glebe Cemetery and the church, Father Keene sent Eyewitness News the following statement about their decision not to approve Bates' design;
"The Glebe Cemetery serves the whole community and is a place where the sadness and loss of all those who have chosen this resting place for their loved ones is respected. Sometimes, part of living together and utilizing a common space involves a delicate balance between the desires of one individual and the well being and wishes of the greater community. The Glebe Cemetery Rules and Guidelines are built on many generations of experience over a 300 year history and function as an aid in helping us live together through pain and grief as we strive to support, console and comfort each other under often difficult circumstances."
Father Keene says the church will draw up more specific guidelines in order to avoid issues like this in the future.
Bottom line, before buying a plot, you should check the cemetery's rules carefully and get them in writing.
If there are none, you may want to look at other options.
For further information including consumer advice, you can contact the Funeral Consumers Alliance's local affiliate serving the Delaware area.