Nina In New York: A Depressing Pop Quiz

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

School has begun in earnest! I'm feeling all sorts of nostalgia for those first days of the academic year, when notebooks are fresh and clean, binder rings fit together properly, and anything is possible. Of course, we adults all know that, while many important things are learned in those hallowed halls, it isn't all entirely useful. So, in honor of the start of the school year, here are some high school style math problems that will actually help prepare our kids for the real world. Curriculum approval pending. Show your work.

1. If Nina has half a pie in the refrigerator and she decides to eat "a few bites" as her dinner instead of wasting calories on a salad AND pie (because we know she's going to eat the pie either way), but she keeps needing to even out the edge before she can return it to the fridge, but it's also made of peaches which ARE fruit after all, and it's her WHOLE dinner, plus she chases it down with an apple and six glasses of water, how much regret will she feel in the morning?

2. Susie has three children, only one of whom has taken his mandatory nap. Another is in a screeching phase, and the third has decided that all food is to be ingested via the nasal passages for the day. Susie's spouse will be out late for a work thing tonight. How many hours until bedtime? Susie has opened a bottle of wine. Now how many hours are there until bedtime?

3. Joe's daughter has been napping poorly lately, in general. She's just gone down with surprisingly little resistance and appears to be sleeping peacefully. Twenty minutes of quiet elapse, during which Joe is sitting still, putzing around on his phone and waiting until the coast is clear. There are many productive things he could be doing, but he decides to wait another fifteen minutes, just to be certain she's really deeply asleep. Now that he's done so, which of these activities can Joe complete?

a.    Taking a nap

b.    Cleaning the kitchen

c.    Preparing dinner

d.    Watching an episode of "The Good Wife"

e.    Sitting upright and staring into nothingness

4. The F train is departing Rockefeller Center, heading East to Queens, traveling at a rate of anywhere between zero and thirty miles per hour. Mary is wedged between a pair of backpacking tourists who continually crane their bodies around her to squint at the subway map, and a man with some sort of postnasal drip affliction. She is running late to relieve the nanny, who is perilously close to crossing the overtime threshold. She also has to pee. How much faster would her commute have have been if she had just managed to get out of the office ten minutes earlier? Did she really have to watch that video of a turtle begging for a dog biscuit?

5. Valerie's in-laws are coming for a weekend visit tomorrow at noon. She has spent the entire day preparing the house for their arrival, but has not yet had time to vacuum the extremely dirty room where they will be sleeping. In the morning, she and her husband must depart their home at 8:30 AM for school drop off and will not be able to return until 11:30 AM at the earliest, assuming no impromptu stops and total toddler cooperation. It is currently 10:00 PM, and her husband is insisting he'll get to it "at some point" tomorrow. How long must Valerie spend attempting to convince him that this won't work before she gives up and does it herself before going to bed? Extra credit: for how many days will Valerie be quietly resentful about this?

6. The decibel level of a single toddler crying is 90dB. How many dB would two toddlers crying reach?  What about four toddlers?  How about ten? Explain your answer.

7. Alex is trying to watch his bank account and spend less money. In order of least painful to most egregious, rank the weight of the following expenditures:

a.    Four shirts during a BOGO promotion at Old Navy

b.    A bottle of whiskey

c.    A birthday gift for his spouse

d.    A giant box of diapers on sale on Amazon.com

e.    The month's electricity bill

8. On Tuesday, Alice's normally picky toddler told her she loves Swiss cheese and ate an entire half a pound between two meals. On Thursday, Alice goes to the supermarket to replace the cheese. How much should she buy to last out the week, while still minimizing spoilage?

a.    One pound

b.    Three pounds

c.    Zero pounds, because later today her toddler will declare the holes to be "yucky" and will refuse even to touch it

d.    Chicken nuggets

9. A mani/pedi at a new establishment costs $46.50. One woman did Mandy's pedicure, another did half her manicure, and a third finished the job. Mandy has four twenty dollar bills. How much tip should she give to each worker, and how should she request her change? You will have one minute to complete this portion of the test. The minute begins when you commence reading this problem.

10. What is the shortest distance between two points, when those points are in Brooklyn and Yorkville? Creativity will be rewarded.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!