Confessions of a news junkie
I have a confession. I'm addicted to the news. I'm admitting I have a problem. That's the first step to recovery, right? I often pass out with the TV blaring and my phone in my hand mid-article.
As a kid I hated the news. I didn't understand why my parents would watch it. The news was the opposite of interesting. It sounded like someone was reading a textbook.
Now, the news is the only thing that interests me. Don't tell me about your favorite show. Your show is boring. It's inconsequential.
My show, the news, is the best! The characters are so complex, the storylines are filled with surprises, and the acting is flawless. The heroes and the villains are replenished every day. Every night is a cliffhanger.
Sometimes I try to rationalize my news addiction. I'll tell myself, "I'm trying to be an informed citizen." But I love the drama, the mystery. Is there any other footage of Robert Mueller? What do Kellyanne and George Conway talk about at night? I know what my wife and I talk about – the news!
Saturdays are when I realize the gravity of my news addiction. Saturday used to be my favorite day of the week. Now? Ugh, I hate Saturday. There's no good news on Saturday. Even my cable news dealers are forced to air non-news filler programs on Saturday.
I just wait for Sunday. On Sundays there are the all-important Sunday news shows!
I almost expect every show to begin with a voiceover: "Previously on 'The News'…"
Sunday news shows are like "Talking Dead" for us news zombies. But most importantly, Sunday news shows mean tomorrow is Monday … which means 24 hours of news. I can't wait for Monday!
... What happened to my life?
More commentaries from Jim Gaffigan:
- Emcee hammered: The Oscars go on without a host
- On the prevalence of screens
- Do we have to do Christmas in December?
- On what to do about America's overweight statistics
- On losing his appendix
- Jim Gaffigan makes the case for beer that tastes like beer
- On the need for a good nap
- Jim Gaffigan on that other Jim Gaffigan
- On why he doesn't care about the Triple Crown
- On that topic Jim Gaffigan can't talk about
- Skiing is insane
- Why do Americans all have storage units?
- Jim Gaffigan turns a cold shoulder to massage
For more info:
- jimgaffigan.com
- Follow @JimGaffigan on Twitter
Story produced by Amy Wall.