Bernstein: What Am I Missing About The NFL Draft?
By Dan Bernstein--
CBSChicago.com senior columnist
(CBS) The actual lottery, I understand. It may not be my thing, but at least I get the incentive involved: put down a few dollars for the chance that a sequence of numbered ping-pong balls selected from lucite containers by a vacant-smiling woman of moderate attractiveness will allow you to purchase an airplane.
I'm not so sure about what the NFL wants you to do for the precious chance of first-hand involvement with the 2015 NFL Draft that will be held in Chicago from April 30-May 2. It sounds like a lot of work, and it's unclear what the prize even is.
Let's see if I have this right. If you want to attend one of the draft days in the theater (or have the chance to stand in something called "Selection Square"), you register on their website to receive an emailed passcode. Those randomly selected will get another email containing further instructions, at which point confirmation of attendance is required.
When the acceptance information is received, they then are sent another email with details of the check-in process. The next step is to stand in line at "Draft Town" to present a government-issued photo ID and the initial email passcode to receive a wristband, which will be required to receive the tickets. Instructions regarding wristbands will be provided by the NFL at that time.
Some will receive tickets to the first round, some to the second and third, others to only "Selection Square" for the weekend, and the rest will then be placed on a moving sidewalk, fed into an immense, whirring meat-grinder and pureed into a pulp to be served in a cup to fans at this year's preseason games. It will be called Power Protein Turbo-Shake and will cost $14.
I'm not making any of this up. Except most of the last part.
This system was apparently designed by Roger Goodell with assistance from Rube Goldberg and Franz Kafka, in an apparent attempt to see just how surreally the NFL can send its fans through a labyrinthine nightmare of bureaucratic control while still maintaining their blind loyalty to a brand. Surrender to the incomprehensible power, o ye helpless. That it makes little sense isn't important. What matters is that the tickets are free, bestowed by the benevolent provider. But transportation and parking and food are on you, and here are all the licensed marketing partners selling everything else.
And this isn't even all in an effort to watch the true product, the actual games themselves. It's for the chance to watch a big pageant of nothing, essentially, adding another layer of existential absurdity.
This is trying to win the right to be present at something invisible -- a team's choice of a player, who isn't even doing anything to entertain other than being eligible for selection. And some of the "winners" of this dystopian process will be rewarded with spots at Selection Square, enjoying the chance to stand outside a building and hear names of people they have never seen or heard of, as their rights are distributed temporarily to rosters before they are soon removed from them only to spend their lives worried about whether or not they have brain damage.
What are we doing here? Why is this fun?
Dan Bernstein is a co-host of 670 The Score's "Boers and Bernstein Show" in afternoon drive. Follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein and read more of his columns here.