Bernstein: How To Watch Super Bowl 50
By Dan Bernstein--
CBSChicago.com senior columnist
(Editor's note: The following is Dan's updated annual viewing guide, as everything still applies, perhaps more so than ever.)
(CBS) A year removed from the experience, we tend to forget that consuming the Super Bowl can be a chore if not handled correctly. I remember, however, and I'm going to make your life easier. Lucky you.
No other sports day demands so much of the TV viewer. Not the start of the NCAA Tournament, which pops you around the country in whiz-bang fashion, cramming your head with action, results and content. And certainly not the title games of any other major sports, which diffuse intensity and significance over the course of a seven-game series.
America's largest secular holiday brings a level of size and weight to your wall-mounted 50-inch television that requires strategy. The HUGENESS of EVERYTHING going on is something the viewer has to bear too, and it gets tiring, particularly for a fan with no real rooting interest. (Though this year has me wishing well for Panthers coach Ron Rivera and hoping Charles Tillman goes out with a ring.)
We are reminded at every turn how incredibly important every occurrence is, whether it's the "crucial" first-quarter third-and-3, the coach challenging a ruling of a catch or no-catch based on rules the NFL makes up as they go along or the zillion-dollar, 30-second spot trying to sell you a car you can't buy because you already forgot which one it was because the ad was so bizarre.
Here are some tips for you, if you are trying to care about the game:
-- Watch at home and keep people out of your house. People are stupid and annoying, and some of them look weird and smell bad. They ask dumb questions, make inane comments and have misguided opinions that they spout unsolicited, in artless, insipid fashion. They drip globs of hummus on your carpet, use the wrong wine glasses and voice their support for frightening presidential candidates.
-- Know the exact, published kickoff time (6:30 p.m. CT) and don't turn on your television until then. All pregame is useless, unless your goal is to become bored, impatient and angry or if you think you care about any of the players' various rehabilitations, recoveries or "redemptions" from their addictions, injuries, self-made family dramas or multiple felonies.
-- If you can't keep the pregame broadcast turned off wherever you are, stay with the normal people until kickoff, by which I mean the kids playing in the basement. Getting clobbered by a 12-year-old at whatever's on the Xbox or Nerf-dunking on toddlers beats the alternative. In a pinch, declare some kind of war and use your better-developed skills at couch-cushion fort building to stay peacefully protected from the barrage of Legos.
-- Enjoy the commercials, but keep in mind that they will soon be in mind-numbingly heavy rotation for the rest of the winter on pretty much everything that you watch. The clever ones will recede into the din by spring, while the witless ones will seemingly take over the airwaves. The snack chips, beverages and tacos will still be exactly what they were before they were pitched to you by a recent Oscar winner who has to pay for his new yacht, the guy from the show you don't intend to watch, Amy Schumer (probably) and/or yet another British dude, using that song by Fitz and the Tantrums or the Black Keys or the band the Black Keys guy is in now.
-- Don't bet on anything, because you're probably going to lose. Give that money to a charity, instead. For example, try One Step Camp, for kids with cancer and leukemia.
-- Keep your expectations low for the quality of any musical performances. The national anthem will be sung by Lady Gaga, who may or may not bring out her jazz-collaborator buddy Tony Bennett for a rousing, patriotic version of "I Left My Unfortunate Hairpiece In San Francisco." Halftime features Coldplay, the rock band that's the artistic risk equivalent of a child-proofed living room, complete with covered electrical outlets and padded coffee-table corners. Their new single is palatable enough only because it sounds like Daft Punk, but without that band's courtesy of covering their faces with masks.
-- Realize that there's a second half coming. It's easy to think you can turn it off after the music, because it's, like, 9:30 p.m. already.
-- Don't eat too much or drink too much. A one-pound bowl of chili or three garlic brats early on in the game will make you logy and distracted, so control yourself, fatty. Nosh a little, sip a little, but stay sharp. You don't want to have to rewatch anything.
-- When the clock hits all zeroes, turn off the TV. If anything noteworthy happens, it will make its way into your timeline soon enough for tomorrow. Don't worry — you won't be the guy at the office on the outside of the latest stupid cultural meme that evaporates by the end of the workday and ends up in a late-night monologue after it has ceased to be funny.
Print this out and save it. Or wait until next year when I tidy it up lazily and run it again. Enjoy.
Happy football.
Dan Bernstein is a co-host of 670 The Score's "Boers and Bernstein Show" in afternoon drive. You can follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein and read more of his columns here.