Bernstein: Bears Never Had A Chance
By Dan Bernstein
CBSChicago.com senior columnist
(CBS) In my never-ending pledge to provide incisive critical analysis of each Bears game, I can now offer this, after the most careful observation and consultation with both football experts and objective statistical data:
A good team beat a bad team Sunday in Seattle -- 26-0, Seahawks over Bears.
You're welcome.
And while you're busy thanking me for stuff, it wouldn't hurt to at least acknowledge that I've been sitting here all afternoon while you were outside hiking or biking or picking apples and drinking your pumpkin-spice lattes. If you instead got roped into antiquing or shopping for underpants or watching youth soccer, you're exempt.
When an NFL team has no viable receivers and a terrible quarterback, there really isn't much to do other than punt all day. The Bears' Pat O'Donnell obliged with a career performance, a bravura spectacle of leg-swinging prowess that featured 10 punts for a total of 477 yards that more than tripled the Bears' offensive output of 146. He was the not-so-secret weapon unleashed to close out every Bears drive.
They wanted ugly from the start and got it. If the first half were a face, it would have been a combination of Lyle Lovett, Daniel Carcillo, Randy Johnson and Tyrone Hill, then operated on by Jocelyn Wildenstein's plastic surgeon. That Seattle led only 6-0 after two quarters seemed like another in the already-growing list of moral Chicago victories, but then Tyler Lockett took the second-half kickoff 105 yards for a touchdown, and it was essentially over.
With no players on offense, coach John Fox and offensive coordinator Adam Gase opted for the kind of ultra-conservatism that isn't half as entertaining the other kind. Instead of xenophobia, race-baiting, fetishistic gun-worship, primitive Bible-banging, warmongering and systematic oppression of the poor and powerless, this was a far less exciting mix of off-tackle runs, passes out of bounds and three-tight-end sets. Jimmy Clausen was only allowed to throw 17 passes, but he took advantage of those opportunities by racking up 63 yards.
It would be nice to know if Fox really thinks Clausen is an NFL quarterback – even a backup. If he does, why? And if not, why didn't they want to have somebody who was? Not that Clausen was missing or not seeing wide-open targets down the field, however, because the Bears' current wideouts have the speed of dial-up Internet, the quickness of a doctor's appointment and the suddenness of a potato knish.
There were a few players who did some not-terrible things, most of them in a defensive front seven that was at least active and noticeable throughout. Jarvis Jenkins had two sacks, Pernell McPhee added two more and four hits on Russell Wilson, and Shea McClellin seemed to be in the right place more often than not.
But, so what?
Everybody knew this was coming and that it would probably look just like it did. So that happened.
Expect more of the same until we have reason to believe otherwise, this concept of a high-school offense punting and punting and punting until the opponent just maybe turns it over deep in their territory because somebody on defense makes a play.
I know that doesn't sound like much, but it's all these Bears have.
Dan Bernstein is a co-host of 670 The Score's "Boers and Bernstein Show" in afternoon drive. Follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein and read more of his columns here.