Hurley's Picks: The godforsaken "Tush Push" has jumped the shark

BOSTON -- There's this insane phenomenon that's gripping the NFL these days. It largely has nothing to do with the game most of the time, it consumes hours upon hours of discussion among fans and in the media, and it involves a man named Kelce. It's insanely annoying and rather obnoxious. As a football fan, I'm absolutely sick of it, and I need everyone to shut up about it.

Yes folks, that's right. I'm talking about the Tush Push, aka The Brotherly Shove.

Did you think I was talking about something else?

(Classic gag by me!)

While I was overstating things there for a Taylor Swift-esque dramatic effect, I do have to say, I think I'm over the Tush Push.

To be clear, I'm not calling for the play being banned. If anything, I kind of hope every team starts running it. Because from what I've seen, nobody else is good at it.

The Patriots have employed the play -- if you're unfamiliar, it is basically a standard QB sneak, only with two grown men lining up on either butt cheek of the quarterback and shoving him forward into the line of scrimmage, leading to a chaotic mess of 22 bodies flopping all over the field and, usually, a first down -- for two weeks. And if there was any question about the athletic disparity between Jalen Hurts and Mac Jones, I think we can now put it to bed!

McCorkle! You're supposed to go forward, not down.

We also saw the Giants run the play ... despite never practicing it!

Not only did it fail, but two players got hurt. 

I have immense respect for Brian Daboll as a coach ... or at least I did. The prestige has taken a hit for that one.

The Chargers also ran it unsuccessfully. It almost cost them a dang football game.

So if you needed evidence that it shouldn't be banned, there you go. Other teams have tried it and failed, so they'll probably stop trying.

But that's not the only issue. If you watched the Eagles-Commanders game -- and you couldn't avoid it, as FOX made it take over the screen during the "Game of the Week" on Sunday -- then you saw a whole mess of issues. An offside penalty on guard Landon Dickerson negated one QB sneak early in the game, which ... I don't know how officials can even tell where guys are lined up on that play.

You've also got defensive tackles tucking their little fingies under the ball, and then in overtime, you've got an uncalled false start and an uncalled defensive offside.

It's a mess. And that's where I take issue with the Eagles. I don't blame them for it, but I do see how and why the league is having and will have trouble officiating this play. Tight quarters, fast movements, an impossible-to-officiate scenario. It's not great.

At the very least, the offense should have to wait for the umpire to clear the area after setting the ball and allowing the defense to substitute, if necessary. We can't have 65-year-old men standing mere feet away from that chaotic ball of violence. And requiring some sort of delay before the snap can at least give the defense and the on-field officials a fighting chance of seeing what is actually going on.

The Eagles should still be free to run the play, because they're good at it and it's legal. But some mechanical tweaks are sorely needed from the NFL, because the sloppiness of the officiating in Sunday's game showed how much trouble that one little play can cause.

(Back to the opening, I don't actually care about all the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce coverage, but I do believe that anyone who "cleverly" weaves Taylor Swift song titles into reporting and/or writing about the situation deserves to be sent away to a remote cabin to stare at a wall for six months in solitude to think long and hard about what they've done. It doesn't take skill to shoehorn "all too well" or "enchanted" into a sentence, you clown.)

(No offense, though.)

Picks? Picks.

(Wednesday lines; home team in CAPS)

WASHINGTON (-5.5) over Chicago
I thought the Bears were going to win last week. Not before the game. I'm not nuts. But during the game. They led 28-7 as late as 10 minutes into the third quarter. Do you know how hard it is to lose when you're leading 28-7 at that point in the game? It's hard, reader. Very hard. Even harder against an opponent that's winless on the year. But the Bears pulled it off.

After the lead was cut to 28-14, here's how the Bears' final four drives ended: Punt, fumble, turnover on downs, interception.

Long story short, I'm not sure the Bears will ever win. (They haven't won since the Bailey Zappe Monday Night Football fiasco on ... Oct. 24 last year! Can they go a full year without winning?! I think they can!)

Buffalo (-5.5) over Jacksonville (in London)
Is it possible for the Bills to be sneaky dominant this season? I feel like they stunk it up on national TV in Week 1 and that provided them some cover. They're dominant though. They won by 28 points in Week 2, 34 points in Week 3, and 28 points in Week 4. Dominant.

I truly don't know how much advantage the Jaguars gain by having been in London since last week. It's a factor I suppose. But I'm going with the better football team to win comfortably, as they've done for three weeks running.

Houston (-2) over ATLANTA
Bijan Robinson is awesome. I bet there are some other players on the Falcons. In fact, I'm sure of it. Once I learn for sure that it's true I can consider trusting them in a football game on a Sunday. 

Carolina (+9.5) over DETROIT
Ugh. I hate this pick, but not as much as I hate that line.

I feel like we all love Dan Campbell's Detroit Lions in the big spots and bright lights this year, right? We're all on board. But they had a major letdown after their Week 1 win over the Chiefs. I'm not saying they'll lose this game, but it might be more of a squeaker than it seems on the surface.

(Please don't tell me that the Panthers are terrible both offensively and defensively. Some of us are trying to make some bad picks over here.)

Tennessee (-1) over INDIANAPOLIS
Did you know that all four AFC South teams are 2-2? Isn't that fun?

MIAMI (-11) over New York Giants
The Dolphins seemingly bought into their own hype last week. And really, after scoring 70 points in a single football game, I don't even blame them. There are nine teams that still haven't scored 70 points this season.

But a whooping in Buffalo probably set them straight. A date with the Giants -- who are on a short week, run plays they don't practice, and have an abysmal offensive line and thus won't be able to partake in anything resembling a shootout -- is the perfect ingredient to getting right.

NEW ENGLAND (-1) over New Orleans
I feel like nobody is talking about how this is sneakily the biggest week for the Patriots franchise in ... forever?

Think about it. They got shellacked last week in a national TV window, two weeks after getting shellacked in a prime-time spot. Their lone win came against the Jets ... and they were inches away from losing on a Hail Mary. Their offense stinks and their defense just lost the two best players on the field. 

Bill Belichick can get by running a mediocre operation, as we've seen over the past three years. But if the team out-and-out smells? Things are moving to DEFCON 1 in New England and around the country.

A home loss to the Derek Carr, Dennis Allen and the Saints would qualify as that moment.

I think they avoid the hysteria -- for now, anyway -- but the fact that they're barely favored in this one should be eye-opening to a lot of people.

Baltimore (-4) over PITTSBURGH
The Steelers have four offensive touchdowns this season. It's the saddest scene. Feels like they're ripe to lose ugly on Sunday and then make some sweeping changes over their bye week.

Cincinnati (-3) over ARIZONA
Is something going to happen for the Bengals at some point? It has to ... doesn't it? They can't all just be bad now.

I'm not even dismissing the significance of a calf injury limiting Joe Burrow. That's a big deal. But ... the Bengals only have three offensive touchdowns this season. That's sadder than Pittsburgh.

The difference here, I suppose, is that there's talent and coaching in place for it to change.

LOS ANGELES RAMS (+4.5) over Philadelphia
Fine. FINE! I've picked against the Rams four times this year. I'm 0-4. Fine! I "believe" in you? I guess? I don't know. I'm certain this will backfire. But what else can I do?

Let's just hope we don't get any Tush Push controversies, yeah?

DENVER (-1.5) over New York Jets
It's telling that Zach Wilson looked moderately capable for a seven-minute stretch and suddenly he's turned his whole career around. We can relax with that one, I assure you.

(Also telling: Everyone kind of glossed over the fact that he biffed a shotgun snap to lose the game. Just because some semi-competency took place does not mean you should ignore the gross incompetence!)

Kansas City (-4) over MINNESOTA
In a vacuum, I don't hate the Vikings here. Maybe they'll have a good day at home. They really need one.

They're just not a bankable team. They're 2-7-1 against the spread in their last 10 games dating back to last year. They'll pull off some surprising wins this year, sure. But you'd just have to randomly guess in order to get that right. So we'll play it safe.

Fun fact: Patrick Mahomes has never faced the Minnesota Vikings. He has wins against 30 teams, so if he wins Sunday, he'll have wins against everyone except the Chiefs. Wasn't that such a fun fact?! 

(He'll have to leave Kansas City to match Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees and Brett Favre as the only QBs to beat all 32 teams. Do it, Patrick. Do it. I dare you. You won't.)

SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5) over Dallas
Partner, I made a statement in Week 1 that for as long as Christian McCaffrey is a healthy man, then you pick the 49ers without thinking twice. The only time they haven't covered this year came when Sean McVay ordered a stupid no-good dirty-rotten field goal as time expired so that his freaking Rams could lose by seven instead of 10. So that doesn't even count.

Moving on.

LAS VEGAS (+1) over Green Bay
Two of the most iconic franchises in the NFL. Maybe the two most iconic franchises in the NFL. Monday Night Football. Las Vegas, Nevada. Bright lights, celebrities and cheese heads. And they both freaking stink.

What a world. What. A. World.

Last week: 8-7-1 (bleh)
Season: 32-28-4 (double bleh)

You can email Michael Hurley or find him on Twitter @michaelFhurley.