The 10 Worst "Toys" For The Patriots This Christmas
BOSTON (CBS) -- Football players aren't toys. The NFL season doesn't end on Christmas. I know these things, just work with me here.
Every year, W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm), which is a real organization that exists, releases a list of the worst, most dangerous toys for parents to avoid buying for their kids at Christmastime.
So let's play a game: let's have a look at this year's list, and apply it to the Patriots. They want to avoid buying or playing with these toys because it could hurt them, ie. end their playoff run. Some are obviously way more dangerous than others.
Get it? Cool, let's do this.
1. Skip-It's Wheely Cute Pull-Along: Peyton Manning
Personally, I'm no longer afraid of Peyton Manning. Brock Osweiler presents a greater threat to the Patriots, simply because he can throw the ball like a starting quarterback. Much like this toy has a broken wheel that could be a choking hazard, Peyton Manning is breaking down and limping to the end of his career, but it will be interesting to see what Gary Kubiak does once Manning is healthy (if he isn't already).
Despite his history of playoff disappointments, Manning's teams have beaten the Patriots in the AFC Championship game twice. So you still have to give at least a sliver of respect to No. 18 as an opponent.
2. Foam Dart Gun: Andy Dalton
The dangerous aspect of this toy gun isn't the firepower; it's the appearance. Police have made some tragic mistakes in the past because they mistook a toy gun for a real one. Andy Dalton has looked very legitimate this season, and when he returns to the Cincinnati Bengals there will be optimism that he can overcome his playoff demons.
But until Dalton breaks his career trend, there's little reason to believe he could win a playoff game anywhere, let alone in Foxboro. He's more dangerous for the Bengals than the Patriots.
3. Stats 38 Quick-Folding Trampoline: Antonio Brown
This trampoline can turn you into a leaping freak, but isn't recommended without adult supervision. Kinda defeats the purpose of playtime.
In the case of the Steelers' Antonio Brown, maybe the most dynamic receiver in the league, playing him would require constant supervision from the Patriots secondary. If they leave Brown alone to play by himself, they will get destroyed.
4. Poo-Dough: Roger Goodell
This one was too easy. Absolute lay-up. No matter how you look at NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell, no matter how you shape his comments, no matter how your personal biases affect your opinion of him, the man is poo. Rivalries aside, all NFL fans can unite in their hatred of Goodell. Many might say he is the equivalent of poo, and the rest would say that's an insult to poo.
Not to mention the allergy risks associated with Poo-Dough ... Goodell makes me sick every time I see his excessively punchable face. So there's that. If Goodell shows up at Gillette during the playoffs, something smells. It's probably him.
5. Splat X Smack Shot: Cam Newton
If you're not prepared or alerted to the firepower that this toy slingshot brings, you could get seriously hurt. The Panthers' Cam Newton is close to leading Carolina to a 16-0 season, and he's doing it with barely any legit weapons. Considering how well he's played (MVP-caliber), he could be the biggest threat to derail the Patriots' championship hopes.
Of course, if the Patriots play Cam Newton this season that means they made it to Santa Clara. Let's just hope they're ready for the attack.
6. Kick Flipper: J.J. Watt
The problem with the Kick Flipper is that it makes no mention of safety, or show anyone using it while wearing a helmet or any other kind of protection. In other words, the toy looks a lot cooler than it really is.
Enter J.J. Watt. There's no doubt that he's an amazing player, maybe the best defensive player of his generation. But he's also a bit of a hardo. He tries extremely hard to look like a badass and get everyone to like him. When it's as relentless and superfluous as it is with Watt, the coolness tends to wear off. Not to mention, the Patriots have always made him look mediocre when they play the Texans. That could happen again, but like the kids in the picture Tom Brady will still need some added protection.
7. Leonardo's Electronic Stealth Sword: T.J. Ward
Broncos safety T.J. Ward will always be a villain in New England for his low hit on Rob Gronkowski in 2013 that ended Gronk's season and, in turn, the Patriots' Super Bowl hopes. Fans still hold their breath whenever they see Ward closing in on someone.
This Ninja Turtles toy carries a blunt force trauma hazard, which Ward can also bring if he gets the opportunity to lay someone out. If the Patriots play the Broncos, please just keep Gronk away from him.
8. Kid Connection Doctor Play Set: Alex Guerrero
The smaller pieces of this particular doctor play set carry multiple choking hazards. Who could possibly trust a doctor or any kind of medical professional who hurts you instead of helping you?
There's no direct evidence that Alex Guerrero has done anything to hurt a football player, but his concussion water product is about as irresponsible as it gets when it comes to snake oil. Tom Brady obviously trusts Guerrero, but there are many more people who do not. Hopefully the Patriots aren't following his advice on Julian Edelman.
9. Pull-Along Zebra: NFL Referees
Another layup. The one pulling the zebras along in this case is Goodell, who may or may not assign and/or instruct referees to call certain games in certain ways. Not accusing anyone of anything, but one thing that's for certain is that the officiating in the NFL this season has been horrid.
The Patriots fell victim to suspiciously shoddy officiating in their loss to the Broncos, and every other NFL team could point to at least one or two calls (or non-calls) that needlessly influenced the outcomes of games. Fans are going to be holding their breath during playoff games, hoping the zebras don't make themselves the story once again. Chances for improvement do not look good.
10. Jurassic World Velociraptor Claws: Muhammad Wilkerson
If the Jets sneak into the playoffs and end up coming to Foxboro, Wilkerson will be the biggest threat to lead the Jets to the upset. His hands as a pass rusher are impeccable, and it wouldn't shock me if he removed his gloves to reveal velociraptor claws.
Not that one defensive end makes a whole team, but Wilkerson is the MVP of the Jets defense and the player who would give the Patriots offensive line the most trouble. Just have to hope that Sebastian Vollmer doesn't take a mauling if he has to face Wilkerson one-on-one.
Matt Dolloff is a writer for CBSBostonSports.com. His opinions do not necessarily reflect that of CBS or 98.5 The Sports Hub. Read more from Matt here. Follow him on Twitter @mattdolloff and email him at mdolloff@985thesportshub.com.