6 Fictional Characters Who Might Have An Outside Shot At Covering Gronk One-On-One
BOSTON (CBS) -- How do you cover...that which cannot be covered?
Rob Gronkowski has grown from one of the most freakish athletes in the NFL to straight-up unbeatable, perhaps the most unstoppable force in the league. The Bills certainly tried to slow Gronk down, but their efforts were futile as the Greatest Tight End Of All Time If He Stays Healthy (GTEOATIHSH) ended up with 7 catches for 113 yards and a touchdown.
Buffalo at least had the right idea. They tried to jam Gronk at the line and disrupt his timing with Tom Brady. Not only did the GTEOATIHSH consistently blow through defenders off the line, if the Bills slowed his progress he still ended up getting the separation he needed, as he did on a few catches down the seam on Sunday.
Which leaves the rest of the NFL with this question: how do you cover the un-coverable? Unfortunately, that idea is merely imaginary. So naturally, you'll have to look to characters who do not exist.
"We're puttin' Kong on him," Rex Ryan joked about Gronk in Week 2 as he said you'd have to look like the mythical beast King Kong if you wanted to have a chance at covering Gronk. A 25-foot ape might work if you could go fetch one from Skull Island, but it's still likely Gronk finds a way to get open.
Let's go through some fictional characters and determine whether they'd have a chance at covering Gronk one-on-one.
1. King Kong
Strengths: Gigantic hands and body with the strength of a thousand Gronks. Surprising agility.
Why Gronk still wins: Because he's going up against an ape. Zero chance Kong could figure out what Tom Brady is doing, or what route the GTEOATIHSH is going to run. And it'll be about three seconds before Kong just leaps into the stands and starts throwing people.
2. The Incredible Hulk
Strengths: Unmatched intensity when angered. Outstanding leaping ability and superhuman strength.
Why Gronk still wins: He is not sustainable. One catch for Gronk and the Hulk is demoralized, shriveling back to Dr. Bruce Banner. And the GTEOATIHSH throws nerds like Banner out of the club.
3. Juggernaut From X-Men
Strengths: Great speed and acceleration and the power to run through walls.
Why Gronk still wins: Gronk is quicker and more agile than Juggernaut, whose game is built on momentum and acceleration. If Juggernaut is not running a straight-ahead route, he's borderline useless.
4. The Thing
Strengths: Exceptional strength/power and extraordinary stamina. Has the endurance to run with Gronk for the whole game.
Why Gronk still wins: While The Thing is reasonably nimble for a...thing his size, Gronk has him beat in that area. One stutter-step and the GTEOATIHSH is gone.
5. Donkey Kong
Strengths: Above-average power and elite leaping ability. His big hands are very capable of batting down passes
Why Gronk still wins: Like King Kong, DK is an ape. He can't read or study playbooks. Gronk would run circles around him.
6. The Kraken
Strengths: Extraordinary strength and large tentacles allow it to defend passes. Slimy exterior makes it hard to block.
Why Gronk still wins: The Patriots don't play underwater. If the Kraken has to play above ground, GG. Game's over.
Final Verdict
Six fearsome monsters, six suck-bag opponents. No matter who or what you put on him, the GTEOATIHSH wins.
Who (or what) else do you think might have a shot at covering Gronk? Let me hear your ideas in the comments.
Matt Dolloff is a digital producer for CBSBostonSports.com and professor of Gronkology. His opinions do not necessarily reflect that of CBS or 98.5 The Sports Hub. Read more from Matt here and follow him on Twitter @mattdolloff.